Oscar Wilde once said: “It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious”. I can’t help but agree with him on some level….. Makes me think of one of the many times in my past where I had to deal with STUPID in all of its glory. Laugh & Enjoy!
So folks… let me start by saying that I had been in the Lifestyle for about 9 years at this point. It is not something that I shared nor share with everyone because I use to be a very private person, but I’d made some personal adjustments, and then I didn’t really care because was not running for public office, I didn’t have a job that would point a moral finger at my sexual activities, I didn’t associate directly with many folks on a daily basis and those that were fortunate enough to get the time of day from me face to face, either knew already, were swinging with me, or didn’t access those kind of social venues. Nevertheless, I had to talk about this stupid ass muthafucka that pissed me off and I felt it necessary to share that tidbit of info with you in order to proceed with my story. I figured it was as good a time as any to be out with it.
I am not one to give out my phone number freely, but this guy was giving me the ‘sweet-talkin’ eye at the store and I thought to break my habit and offer it up. Well, we chatted a few times in person, and although he was not my type, I figured, what would it hurt to be friends with him? He seems nice enough. He got busy, I got pre-occupied, and he did a disappearing act. Eventually, I got involved with some Numb-Nut I’d mentioned in an earlier blog (or at least should have). Nevertheless, when I cut things off with the Numb-Nut, I sent a text to this guy…we’ll call him Jay for brevity sake. Just to let him know I was free to socialize with, cuz the Numb-Nut was the jealous and insecure type (A whole ‘nother Oprah Show people…I’ll share that with you at a later date).
Now here I am, wanting to socialize like a good little girl (which btw, I am definitely NOT) but I invite him over to my local bar on a Friday night where I sing so we can play catch up over some beers, in between songs and dancing. Outside he told me that he was interested and wanted a kiss, if I would permit it. I told him I was not interested in any kind of commitments with him, that I was happy to be free from the constraints of relationships; shared with him a little about my being in the Lifestyle and told him he could have a kiss *Don’t judge me…I was curious*. He was completely unfamiliar with swinging and I did my best to explain what I could in short order. To say the least, the kiss left a great deal to be desired, and had my night headed down No Dick Drive on the detour home tonight.. However, I got to feelin’ randy that later in the evening… and asked him if he wanted to join me for a little playtime. He cried “Tired” and with it being past midnight and my already knowing he had to be up for work at 4:30am, I was sympathetic and I let it go. It was whatever, wasn’t no hurt feelings on my end… I’ve been playin’ this game for far too long to get all choked up over a brush-off or a legitimate refusal.
OK, so here is where the retardedness kicks in, I’m a pretty cut and dry chick. I utilize a great deal of tact until you press my nerves and I become completely unconcerned about your feelings… So… We begin to text back and fourth early one weekday morning – around 3AM – and the tail end of it goes exactly like this:
HIM: I want you
ME: :) I am well aware that you want me, I can see it in your eyes. We will have to make some arrangements to put you in a position to act on that desire of yours
HIM: Do you want me?
ME: I want sex. End of story. I have a mild addiction to it, which is one of the reasons I am a swinger. If you can accept that fact without being overly concerned with whether it’s you or your dick that I’m after, then we’ll do just fine
HIM: Can you blow me this morning my dick is hard as a rock
I stared at the phone in disbelief and didn’t bother replying…
HIM: Leaving around 5am to 510, are you coming out
At this point it’s important to note that I am tired and bugged by the messages still coming in since it was about 4:45am and I have not been sleeping well, and went to bed late as it was. I was also offended at the insinuation that I’d get out of my bed for this dude who hadn’t even smelled the pussy thru my pants let alone got to introduce himself to it. I got that message, rolled my eyes, and rolled right the fuck back over to go to sleep. I was irritated and a bit miffed.
So when I eventually woke up, I sent this:
ME: I have a question for you! Why would you ask me to come out of my warm bed in the wee hours of the morning to suck your dick in the car: Do you think I’m a trick that will service a guy on a whim because I love to fuck as much as the average man, and not looking for an attachment? Help me understand where that came from.
HIM: Now did I mention a car?
ME: I realize that you didn’t say anything about doing it in the car, but I didn’t think we had reached the point of understanding in our relationship where you should feel free to just up and ask me if I wanted to give you head.
He was trying to explain himself and going a REALLY bad job of it and blaming the misunderstandings of our “overly long” conversation on his text message issues. However his responses are not what I am wanting to see… like “No I don’t think you’re a trick… blah blah blah”. But I am getting a lot of confusing commentary that is not addressing the issue. To which, I finished up with this:
ME: Jay, there is obviously a communication barrier between us, and I have to be honest with you, I really don’t do well with people who have difficulty understanding me. Primarily because I hate to have to repeat myself and moreover, have to explain myself in great length and detail, or in extensive depth. It gets to be exhausting. I feel as if this is where we are headed and I can tell you right off the top that I have no patience for the trip.
After which he was falling all over himself to apologize and show some signs of clarity.
HIM: Can I see you later tonight?
ME: Yeah… sure…. whatever
I met him in the park across the street around 7PM before the sun went down and talked to him for a few. Aside from a multitude of apologies for the misunderstanding earlier, he wanted to confess to me that he was attracted to me initially because of my big booty, and it just had his head all messed up. I’m thinking (Whoop De Fuckin Do Nigga… How big is your dick?) LOL I am sorry for sounding so crass, but stupidity and backwards thinking does that to me. He wanted to just squash the past and start over. I said that was fine with me. I shook his hand, and told him we would start from here. He asked for a kiss, I raised my eyebrow, gave him one of those French side pecks, and sent him on his way with a hope and a prayer… but that conversation had pretty much sealed the deal for me regarding him getting any pussy. He wasn’t getting nun. Some time went by and we didn’t really talk for a while…
NOW… Flash forward to yesterday… And the texts start like this:
HIM: Are you still speaking to me
HIM: Okay… Can I have a big juicy kiss I’m a little depressed u don’t have to answ right now but let me no soon
HIM: Why what happened what did I do
ME: You didn’t do any one thing in particular. Interacting with you an a verbally intimate level has shown me that we are not compatible in that area. It would be too much to try to explain in depth. In short, our personalities don’t mesh well, there are some sexual social graces that you lack, and their missing pieces disturb me. I also see that you are needing this interaction for a purpose that I am not willing to fulfill.
I got the feeling that he wanted me to be the filler for whatever was missing in his life. I am not trying to be the Tickle Me Elmo doll for a guy who is getting no joy at home and doesn’t have a ‘script for happy pills. If you want my attention it better be because you “Want My Attention” not because you need it to fill some void for you.
HIM: U are full of it, disturbed because I said ass – let me tell you something, I don’t think having sex as a swinger is normal, that’s disturbing, I just wanted u for u thats all, I don’t sleep with everyone cause I don’t want hiv or stds so its ok if u don’t
Now people, I was not exactly sure of all that he was trying to say, but I think I got the gist of it… and what I understood, Pissed Me Off! The implications alone that I was sleeping with “everyone” would have had the heel of my foot in his crotch if I had been standing in front of him, and it seemed like some childish shit was at play, so I replied with the following:
ME: What exactly does my being a swinger have to do with any of this. I never asked what you thought of it, because I couldn’t give a bigger shit what your opinion of my lifestyle was. One of my major issues with you has been your inability to communicate clearly. I don’t know whether you intend to be insulting or if it’s purely accidental, but you have succeeded in pissing me off by telling me that “I am full of it”, and talking about how my lifestyle is disturbing. Fuck You! If you are looking to stop communications with me, you are definitely on the right track.
NOW… that was 9:16 in the morning… and all day he had been blowing up my phone callin’, leaving me messages, sending me texts… apologizing, saying he was wrong, that he felt hurt by my response, so he felt the need to be hurtful and mention the swinging issue, put it down, and making comments about whom I sleep with, but he was really sorry and he still wants to be friends; beggin’ me not to be mad. I have refused to answer the phone and won’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Jealous muthafucka just got his panties in a bunch cuz he came to realize that I wan’t gonna be offerin’ nun to him. I was wondering whether to even send him a note to say that I don’t want to be bothered, but I figured… Naaaah, he as far as I’m concerned, he can take his respect for friendship, fold it up, lay it on the ground, kneel down and suck my non-existent dick.
Under most circumstances, I am nothing if not a dignified woman … until you have vexed me in some way. If you knew me at all back then, you’d have known that I am very laid back, and it took a great deal to get me to use profanity in a state of irritation and actually direct it toward someone. So my line had not necessarily been crossed, but my irritation level had been peaked. Stupid is as stupid does and I was not looking to be friends with him. As a matter of fact, when I’d left the last man in my life, I bought a cute pair of PJs that state across the chest as well as on one of the pant legs “I’m Not With Stupid Anymore” … They were my favorite for obvious reasons.
People…the inability to communicate clearly is a BIG turn off for me. Whether it be for relations of intimacy, or employment, or friendship, it is one of those things that I have recently decided that I simply will not tolerate in relationships that I can have any control over. Niggas really outta pay more attention.