I have the second half of the serenity prayer literally splayed across my left arm from back to front. It’s a tattoo that takes up about 1/4 of my upper sleeve. It is supposed to be a reminder to me of how I need to let go of my control issues and learn to accept things in things without getting upset when they change away from my favor. Then there are the occasions where I get my nerves all twisted up because regardless of how well the details of the circumstances all fall into place for MY plan, they simply DO NOT go that way. I get tunnel vision with my hopes and desires and then give hell to everyone and everything that proves to support any other cause…no matter how selfless or legitimate. The problem is that its on my arm and I rarely look down to read it. The inspirational words are these:
“Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.”
I have spent the entirety of 2011 evaluating myself, reviewing, monitoring, focusing on, trying to understand, get a grasp on, etc. Basically figuring myself out. It has been an arduous task. It’s much more difficult to look at yourself from the inside than to look at yourself from the outside. The pain and psychological damage that comes from the realization of self-imagery is far deeper scaring than from the image that others see or from their reaction to the reality that stands before them, and not the façade that we put up. I have hurt my own feelings with some of the realizations I have come across.
I have been training myself to accept that I must not only SEE things for what they are, but treat them accordingly. Not give more attention or support towards the illusion or hope of something to come, but simply like it or dislike it and treat it just like that. People and situations alike. I think I will be kinder and happier.
(Old Journal Entry)
I think what it is, is that I don’t know how to trust. Any attempts at it are periodically ripped thru with reminders of why it was a bad idea to begin with. Just days ago I was thoroughly excited about moving into a new home with folks I felt safe to close my eyes around and leave the house with my bedroom door unlocked. And confident in my hear that things between My Love & I were on a whole new level, so issues would be minimal, minor, and rare if at all. But shortly before viewing the property an issue between us became clear as he lead me to understand that his physical flirtation and the encouraging of it from the others in the house (all 2 or 3 of whom are female) is all a part of his money making tool. “Keeping things fun and friendly” is the term he uses. But when I ask if this kind of behavior would be cool in his eyes if I did it with the men I make money with, he replies with, “If that’s what you want then go do that”.
I am afraid that this encouragement of this overly playful behavior will have me in situations that are not only uncomfortable for me, but cause me to be in a hostile, defensive, agitated and severely introverted mood more often than not. Treating everyone around me like they need to be careful around me. Abrasive, angry, and barely compliant. Much like our last home together. Women who want anything from him at all; time, attention, sex, affection, money..all tryin’ me and testin’ my nerves and just cuz I’m close to him and they see me in the way. He invites it and sits back and watches it go down. I don’t want to be a part of any of that again. While he enjoys the girls vying and clamoring for him.
He has been claiming to want his freedom from ALL constraints in life. When I ask for clarification he never provides it. Simply replies, “free from everything, any thing holding me down, tying me up, keeping me from doing whatever the fuck I wanna do in life or go wherever the fuck I wanna go”. Soooo, that being said, I make it clear to him that I am not trying to be the reason he ain’t free. So I walk when I don’t like what I see. He thinks I am worried about him fucking other people when that’s really HIS worry. I don’t want to be around as he enjoys the Hugh Heffner life. He’s entitled to do whatever with whomever. He just cannot expect me to be there to witness that shit and not fee any kind of way or even say anything about it negatively.
You would think that all the conversations we have had about how I have been hurt by men and the details on where all the emotional and psychological damage has come from, you’d think he’d be more careful or think his movements out better. But his primary focus is money and I am learning that communications is the key that he lacks when it comes to preventative maintenance with regards to me. Unless it is some kind of finesse game to keep me from upsetting the flow of whatever it is he is doing. I don’ want to live like I did with my ex-husband and his family, how I lived in our house on Favor Road, or in the house on Kurt Dr. I want to live in PEACE.
I want him to enjoy his life and his work just as he’d like to. I just don’t want to have to experience all of it with him. I can wait for his transformation, but I don’t want to be hurt by the parts of his single man persona that I can’t seem to handle emotionally. He doesn’t understand this. All he seems to care about is having me close. But I can’t do this. He wants to play like a swinger (sans extra/excessive sex with others) but then has an issue with even the mere conversation of me behaving the same. He needs help seeing reality. What’s good for him has to be okay for me. We are not committed so it should not bother him. There are so many things wrong, jus shouting out at me, to pay attention to the living situation I’m walking into and love and the desire to be near him causing me to be deaf to these voices just reminds me of how I’ve chosen to walk blindly into situations like this that have left me crying and broken inside…feeling shame and foolish for being stupid enough to open up and trust again. It seems in my history with him I have experienced a “sharp” emotional reminder that he is not exclusively mine to enjoy alone. And it usually comes right after I’ve settled into a place of comfort with our life that is better than times before, and I am in the midst of having daydreams of how forever could truly be possible.
I really am trying not to repeat this kind of thing. My life with him is not my only experience with this. The feelings are the same and the end result is the same. I fell stupid for falling so hard, loving so strong, trusting that things would be different this time around and closing my eyes to the possibility that my hopes could be misplaced yet again. Who wants that? I’d much rather protect my heart. An entire day has been spent focused on the solution to this problem. God whispered to me:
When a human bone is broken in one spot…Proper care, nurturing, physical therapy and an encouragement toward future use for the health of the limb is required in order for the bone to heal properly and be fully functioning. With the right care even a bone with multiple fractures can heal up to be stronger than it originally was. Enabling the use of the limb to perform beyond a capacity that it has ever before.
All feelings on the matter aside, the human heart is another part of the body that should be looked at no differently. On break, multiple fractures, it’s all the same.
He has a son who broke his leg. Explain this to him. He will understand.
And so I did.
I have come to the recent discovery that the love of my life has a greater fear of failure in this relationship than I do. The reality of his fear being so great that, at nearly every juncture that I can recall, with regard to intense emotional conversations, he has already conceded, defeat and accepted the possibility of the end of things by the end of the discussion. I am left stunned like a deer in the headlights. The depth of his fear is a pool of uncertainty that I am afraid that while steeped in my own hot cup of worry, even I
can’t touch the surface of where he is at with it. I think of Anthony Hamilton’s song where he speaks of how a man only falls twice in his life. There is a reason for this. Could it be that men have larger trust issues than we women?
All this being said, how sad I feel for him. I am bearing witness to the hidden damage that a broken relationship can have on a man. We see it all the time with women, but I have never
seen a man behave this way. I was not raised to be a woman to run from turmoil in a relationship. It was instilled in me to endure what is put before you. To work with what God has given you. So it makes me furrow my brow when he speaks to me using statements that have me feeling that he has thrown in the towel and just wants to part ways with no negative feelings between us. I really don’t understand where it is coming from cuz I have shown him nothing but loyalty and dedication and stick-to-it-ive-ness so why would he think I’d go through all I have to say Yes and then walk away?
15 years with the same woman who made him proud and happy ended with a truckload of unanswered questions and the vibe and evidence of infidelity. When she left him and their children to live “some other life”, she tore down a fortress of trust and emotional stability in this man and left him with shattered idea of what the reality of love is suppose to look like coming from a woman true to her core.
How do I show him that a Real Woman is not what left him? That a Real Woman is what he’s been fuckin with for the last 5 years and that a Real Woman is whom he chose to be in this relationship with. I saw the hardships ahead of me as I began to pray for him to choose me and accepted God’s promise to make him mine. I knew this would be difficult but rewarding. I was not prepared, but God has been preparing me all along and continues to do so. He sees my frustration an touches the heart of my love to feel my need and have a yearning to fulfill it. This small effort on both of T/their parts is enough to help me continue to soldier thru and display the hope towards Him that eventually is expressed in Faith and can be seen as Trust by him.
I want him to know that I am learning to Trust him. But I too wish to be trusted. I wish for him to Trust that I will not leave him on some bullshit. That I will not walk away from what we are doing so long as he is trying to work with me. That so long as he is in it with me…that I am in it with him. I do love him. Sad but ironic….knowledge of his greater level of Fear somehow diminishes mine. Pray for us.
I have spent an embarrassing amount of years being afraid to speak my mind to the random & unknown masses while utilizing my gift of writing. My tough outer skin shows someone who gives about 2 shits about other’s opinions. But the truth of the matter is that because of how I was raised, I can’t help but to care…to be concerned about how I appear in the public eye…to use a modicum of tact on the off chance someone of importance is watching, listening or reading… in other words, “careful of your behavior, lest ye be judged.”
Mom was more Old Testament than I’m sure she would admit. However recently I have come to the personal conclusion that this fear of judgement has stifled one of my truest talents and caused me to do exactly what God said NOT to do, which is “bury your gifts”. I have done this ALL my life, save the few opportunities I have taken advantage of to blog freely and anonymously. Or when I thought the audience observing me was of a free and open minded mentality. But there are things on my mind and in my heart just begging to come out my mouth and thru my finger tips that I know need to hit the ears, eyes and hearts of men and women who DON’T think like me or relate to my life in any aspect…yet we both will find that they actually NEED what I have to offer. It is understood that all humans need the same basic essentials for their survival, stability and peace. I believe that all spirits are similar. I aim to speak to the spirits of others…primarily because my experience has shown that most humans don’t pay attention, I hate having to repeat myself and the spirit of man is far more receptive & less judgemental than the vessel it inhabits.
I long to be more than I am. But seem to be unable to grow with the swiftness that my spirit feels it is intended to. I was raised in the church but by choice am no longer associated with any religious affiliation. Yet thru self reflection, I’ve just discovered that I alone have closed off the benefits and prosperity that God’s Gift of writing has had to offer me for more than 2 decades based on a fear that is rooted in a religion I have not taken pubic claim to in probably 12 years. (Shaking my damn head)
This really needs to stop. I can blame no one but myself for my lack of success nor happiness within any field of employment that I have chosen. All honesty….God has been telling me for the last 3 years that my life and living circumstances will be changed thru my writing. Whenever I have complained about things getting better faster, I am reminded that I am the reason….why they haven’t, AND why they will eventually.
To this my people I say…it’s really time to stop being afraid. Scared I will lose friends, have family be upset, that the entirety who I really am will not be the person everyone seems to be so chill with. But how is one true to themselves only “part of the time”??? I promise if I allow myself to be open and honest about things, I can actually show you. I do it every day. And I know I’m not alone. Pray for me as I attempt to rectify this awful thing I have done to myself, choosing not to continue playing the role of the frightened wallflower at the HBO Roast where I am the Host, the Roasting Panel & the Guest of Honor, FUCK THE AUDIENCE…REAL TALK! The only reason they are present is to pay to experience the show, and My Stupid Ass won’t even speak the fuck up. How the hell have I been expecting a paycheck all this time? (Deep Pitiful Sigh)
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Just and FYI. I got 4 appointments call me out of the blue for 6 clients totaling $175. This is after a rather long financial dry spell. Promises not only kept, but a wish granted from my very first entry in this book.
I feel guilty at the idea of spending all my free time (of which I have been blessed with plenty of) singing in open forums, talking to & educating people about general stuff I know, writing about my own thoughts and interests, cooking and creating mystery recipes, and traveling to places known and unknown.
The feeling brought on by a quiet conversation in my head with God. In it he was encouraging me, stirring up within me a desire to go out and sing and my reply was that I didn’t have time for that kind of thing.
“Make the time”. He whispered, like the gentle nudging of a trusted friend with a twinkle in their eye and a smile at the very corner of their lips.
“How can I spend this time and energy doing the things I love doing when there are so many other things to do?”
“I want you to sing, write, explore, travel, cook and enjoy all of the things you love doing. And I will pay you for doing them”
The fullness of the reality of this kind of statement/promise hit me like a brick and I immediately found my face down in front of me and tears streaming out as tho I had been crying all along. The flashes of a great many trials and difficulties in my life flooded my vision and were chased away by memories and personal knowledge of the far more desperate sufferings of so so many others I have met or come to know on life’s travels. I couldn’t help but to feel unworthy of such a gift in comparison to the needs of these others. Instantly realizing, “yet again” how full and blessed my life has already been. To which He responds:
“This gift is yours. I have gifts for everyone. To each I will give at the time for which it has been deserved. Your gift is designed for you alone. That is what makes it “yours”, and not someone else’s. No one else will be able to appreciate this gift the way that you will. I know this. It is why I am happy to let you have it and lay in wait to watch you enjoy it an flourish from it.
My gifts will often be distributed with an expected level of appreciation already anticipated. It cannot be helped. ~ The appreciate, I mean. These kinds of gifts are different and unique because they are completely intangible. They are fused to the spirit of a man and motivate him beyond his own ability to control it. The utilization of these kinds of gifts are like the lever to a levy, the pulley on a pinball machine, the valve on a loose water hose… the force unleashed can create a ripple that effects an unfathomable amount of things. Just imagine if there were no walls to the levy, and no hills or mountains around when the lever is pulled… no side walls to block the metal ball’s direction once the spring launches it across the maze… no foliage or yard furniture to disturb the flow when the hose releases the water. Uncontrollable.
The level of joy is far too great when a man receives gifts of the Spirit. He cannot help himself but to celebrate and rejoice. In the midst of both of these is the very essence of appreciation. True, genuine, heartfelt appreciation.
I repeat…to each is given their gifts at the time in their lives during which they are deserving. No one deserves a Spiritual gift that cannot fully appreciate it. And I have gifts for everyone. Receive yours. You don’t realize it, but you have been running from it for a very long while now. For years now. I am tired of fighting with you. I have found that some of my children require a struggle proceeding the acceptance of certain gifts. Like every parent with a stubborn child, I grow weary of trying to get you to hear me. Especially when what I have to speak of is good news. The stubborn children have the weakest faith of all my truly faithful. Logic and reasoning is required before the acceptance of anything. Even miracles. It is sad because they are often the most deserving of their gifts well before reception. They simply cannot rationalize their worthiness, nor reason out “why them?”. What they fail to recall is that I alone, do the rationalizing,… I alone know the logic behind it all,…I alone do the choosing,… and thus “I AM” the reason “why them?”. I have gifts for everyone. Your turn Synthia, is right now.”
Starting is always the hardest part for me. I have so many beginnings of so many topics and absolutely no way to quell the thoughts on one subject in order to get others out on paper.
I smoke a lot and the fear of being so distracted that I should leave my thoughts just laying around for another to find and muddle thru has also helped aid in my delay.
But today I broke down & decided I need to stop procrastinating and get to it. Motivation sparked my fingertips as I began to write the date on the page above. October 11th, 2012. The numbers 10*11*12 were just a reminder that the time was right. I normally don’t share my wishes because they are often made with the falling of time on a clock. 12:34, 2:22, 4:56, etc. And they are quiet whispers to myself. However, I think I may spark a new tradition. So for this wish I want to hope for the immediate fruition of a promise made by God to me. Money comes, but clients are infrequent to say the very least. He promised to bring me clients and money if I would be obedient and write. I have a great need for cash now, so the timing for such a blessing to be granted is extremely appropo! There are a few other things He has promised me if I would simply “write”, but I will allow those to come as they will. Right now, I need money.