Your Fear, My Fear, Who Fears Most

I have come to the recent discovery that the love of my life has a greater fear of failure in this relationship than I do. The reality of his fear being so great that, at nearly every juncture that I can recall, with regard to intense emotional conversations, he has already conceded, defeat and accepted the possibility of the end of things by the end of the discussion. I am left stunned like a deer in the headlights. The depth of his fear is a pool of uncertainty that I am afraid that while steeped in my own hot cup of worry, even I
can’t touch the surface of where he is at with it. I think of Anthony Hamilton’s song where he speaks of how a man only falls twice in his life. There is a reason for this. Could it be that men have larger trust issues than we women?
All this being said, how sad I feel for him. I am bearing witness to the hidden damage that a broken relationship can have on a man. We see it all the time with women, but I have never
seen a man behave this way. I was not raised to be a woman to run from turmoil in a relationship. It was instilled in me to endure what is put before you. To work with what God has given you. So it makes me furrow my brow when he speaks to me using statements that have me feeling that he has thrown in the towel and just wants to part ways with no negative feelings between us. I really don’t understand where it is coming from cuz I have shown him nothing but loyalty and dedication and stick-to-it-ive-ness so why would he think I’d go through all I have to say Yes and then walk away?
15 years with the same woman who made him proud and happy ended with a truckload of unanswered questions and the vibe and evidence of infidelity. When she left him and their children to live “some other life”, she tore down a fortress of trust and emotional stability in this man and left him with shattered idea of what the reality of love is suppose to look like coming from a woman true to her core.
How do I show him that a Real Woman is not what left him? That a Real Woman is what he’s been fuckin with for the last 5 years and that a Real Woman is whom he chose to be in this relationship with. I saw the hardships ahead of me as I began to pray for him to choose me and accepted God’s promise to make him mine. I knew this would be difficult but rewarding. I was not prepared, but God has been preparing me all along and continues to do so. He sees my frustration an touches the heart of my love to feel my need and have a yearning to fulfill it. This small effort on both of T/their parts is enough to help me continue to soldier thru and display the hope towards Him that eventually is expressed in Faith and can be seen as Trust by him.
I want him to know that I am learning to Trust him. But I too wish to be trusted. I wish for him to Trust that I will not leave him on some bullshit. That I will not walk away from what we are doing so long as he is trying to work with me. That so long as he is in it with me…that I am in it with him. I do love him. Sad but ironic….knowledge of his greater level of Fear somehow diminishes mine. Pray for us.

Synthia

Physician Heal Thyself

I have spent an embarrassing amount of years being afraid to speak my mind to the random & unknown masses while utilizing my gift of writing. My tough outer skin shows someone who gives about 2 shits about other’s opinions. But the truth of the matter is that because of how I was raised, I can’t help but to care…to be concerned about how I appear in the public eye…to use a modicum of tact on the off chance someone of importance is watching, listening or reading… in other words, “careful of your behavior, lest ye be judged.”

Mom was more Old Testament than I’m sure she would admit. However recently I have come to the personal conclusion that this fear of judgement has stifled one of my truest talents and caused me to do exactly what God said NOT to do, which is “bury your gifts”. I have done this ALL my life, save the few opportunities I have taken advantage of to blog freely and anonymously. Or when I thought the audience observing me was of a free and open minded mentality. But there are things on my mind and in my heart just begging to come out my mouth and thru my finger tips that I know need to hit the ears, eyes and hearts of men and women who DON’T think like me or relate to my life in any aspect…yet we both will find that they actually NEED what I have to offer. It is understood that all humans need the same basic essentials for their survival, stability and peace. I believe that all spirits are similar. I aim to speak to the spirits of others…primarily because my experience has shown that most humans don’t pay attention, I hate having to repeat myself and the spirit of man is far more receptive & less judgemental than the vessel it inhabits.

I long to be more than I am. But seem to be unable to grow with the swiftness that my spirit feels it is intended to. I was raised in the church but by choice am no longer associated with any religious affiliation. Yet thru self reflection, I’ve just discovered that I alone have closed off the benefits and prosperity that God’s Gift of writing has had to offer me for more than 2 decades based on a fear that is rooted in a religion I have not taken pubic claim to in probably 12 years. (Shaking my damn head)

This really needs to stop. I can blame no one but myself for my lack of success nor happiness within any field of employment that I have chosen. All honesty….God has been telling me for the last 3 years that my life and living circumstances will be changed thru my writing. Whenever I have complained about things getting better faster, I am reminded that I am the reason….why they haven’t, AND why they will eventually.

To this my people I say…it’s really time to stop being afraid. Scared I will lose friends, have family be upset, that the entirety who I really am will not be the person everyone seems to be so chill with. But how is one true to themselves only “part of the time”??? I promise if I allow myself to be open and honest about things, I can actually show you. I do it every day. And I know I’m not alone. Pray for me as I attempt to rectify this awful thing I have done to myself, choosing not to continue playing the role of the frightened wallflower at the HBO Roast where I am the Host, the Roasting Panel & the Guest of Honor, FUCK THE AUDIENCE…REAL TALK! The only reason they are present is to pay to experience the show, and My Stupid Ass won’t even speak the fuck up. How the hell have I been expecting a paycheck all this time? (Deep Pitiful Sigh)

S.K.

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Journal Entry: Friday – October 12, 2012

3:10 PM

I feel guilty at the idea of spending all my free time (of which I have been blessed with plenty of) singing in open forums, talking to & educating people about general stuff I know, writing about my own thoughts and interests, cooking and creating mystery recipes, and traveling to places known and unknown.

The feeling brought on by a quiet conversation in my head with God. In it he was encouraging me, stirring up within me a desire to go out and sing and my reply was that I didn’t have time for that kind of thing.

“Make the time”. He whispered, like the gentle nudging of a trusted friend with a twinkle in their eye and a smile at the very corner of their lips.

“How can I spend this time and energy doing the things I love doing when there are so many other things to do?”

“I want you to sing, write, explore, travel, cook and enjoy all of the things you love doing. And I will pay you for doing them”

The fullness of the reality of this kind of statement/promise hit me like a brick and I immediately found my face down in front of me and tears streaming out as tho I had been crying all along. The flashes of a great many trials and difficulties in my life flooded my vision and were chased away by memories and personal knowledge of the far more desperate sufferings of so so many others I have met or come to know on life’s travels. I couldn’t help but to feel unworthy of such a gift in comparison to the needs of these others. Instantly realizing, “yet again” how full and blessed my life has already been. To which He responds:

“This gift is yours. I have gifts for everyone. To each I will give at the time for which it has been deserved. Your gift is designed for you alone. That is what makes it “yours”, and not someone else’s. No one else will be able to appreciate this gift the way that you will. I know this. It is why I am happy to let you have it and lay in wait to watch you enjoy it an flourish from it.

My gifts will often be distributed with an expected level of appreciation already anticipated. It cannot be helped. ~ The appreciate, I mean. These kinds of gifts are different and unique because they are completely intangible. They are fused to the spirit of a man and motivate him beyond his own ability to control it. The utilization of these kinds of gifts are like the lever to a levy, the pulley on a pinball machine, the valve on a loose water hose… the force unleashed can create a ripple that effects an unfathomable amount of things. Just imagine if there were no walls to the levy, and no hills or mountains around when the lever is pulled… no side walls to block the metal ball’s direction once the spring launches it across the maze… no foliage or yard furniture to disturb the flow when the hose releases the water. Uncontrollable.

The level of joy is far too great when a man receives gifts of the Spirit. He cannot help himself but to celebrate and rejoice. In the midst of both of these is the very essence of appreciation. True, genuine, heartfelt appreciation.

I repeat…to each is given their gifts at the time in their lives during which they are deserving. No one deserves a Spiritual gift that cannot fully appreciate it. And I have gifts for everyone. Receive yours. You don’t realize it, but you have been running from it for a very long while now. For years now. I am tired of fighting with you. I have found that some of my children require a struggle proceeding the acceptance of certain gifts. Like every parent with a stubborn child, I grow weary of trying to get you to hear me. Especially when what I have to speak of is good news. The stubborn children have the weakest faith of all my truly faithful. Logic and reasoning is required before the acceptance of anything. Even miracles. It is sad because they are often the most deserving of their gifts well before reception. They simply cannot rationalize their worthiness, nor reason out “why them?”. What they fail to recall is that I alone, do the rationalizing,… I alone know the logic behind it all,…I alone do the choosing,… and thus “I AM” the reason “why them?”. I have gifts for everyone. Your turn Synthia, is right now.”

*SK*

Journal Entry: Thursday – October 11, 2012

4:48PM

Starting is always the hardest part for me. I have so many beginnings of so many topics and absolutely no way to quell the thoughts on one subject in order to get others out on paper.

I smoke a lot and the fear of being so distracted that I should leave my thoughts just laying around for another to find and muddle thru has also helped aid in my delay.

But today I broke down & decided I need to stop procrastinating and get to it. Motivation sparked my fingertips as I began to write the date on the page above. October 11th, 2012. The numbers 10*11*12 were just a reminder that the time was right. I normally don’t share my wishes because they are often made with the falling of time on a clock. 12:34, 2:22, 4:56, etc. And they are quiet whispers to myself. However, I think I may spark a new tradition. So for this wish I want to hope for the immediate fruition of a promise made by God to me. Money comes, but clients are infrequent to say the very least. He promised to bring me clients and money if I would be obedient and write. I have a great need for cash now, so the timing for such a blessing to be granted is extremely appropo! There are a few other things He has promised me if I would simply “write”, but I will allow those to come as they will. Right now, I need money.

*SK*

I Think I Need To Be Alone

Stressed & irritated since last night. Listening meditating music to calm my nerves. It was supposed be a celebratory night for moving into our first apartment in a few years and it simply was not. I told my boyfriend I need my own spot this morning. That is my next life goal. I need my peace & I really don’t like people in my personal space and he revels in it. The Cancer in mine is snapping. …pray for my patience today people….PRAY HARD

Bitch Slap Coupon

Stupid Muthafuckas & The Shit They Smoke

Oscar Wilde once said: “It is absurd to divide people into good and bad.  People are either charming or tedious”.  I can’t help but agree with him on some level….. Makes me think of one of the many times in my past where I had to deal with STUPID in all of its glory.  Laugh & Enjoy!

So folks… let me start by saying that I had been in the Lifestyle for about 9 years at this point.  It is not something that I shared nor share with everyone because I use to be a very private person, but I’d made some personal adjustments, and then I didn’t really care because was not running for public office, I didn’t have a job that would point a moral finger at my sexual activities, I didn’t associate directly with many folks on a daily basis and those that were fortunate enough to get the time of day from me face to face, either knew already, were swinging with me, or didn’t access those kind of social venues.  Nevertheless, I had to talk about this stupid ass muthafucka that pissed me off and I felt it necessary to share that tidbit of info with you in order to proceed with my story.  I figured it was as good a time as any to be out with it.

I am not one to give out my phone number freely, but this guy was giving me the ‘sweet-talkin’ eye at the store and I thought to break my habit and offer it up.  Well, we chatted a few times in person, and although he was not my type, I figured, what would it hurt to be friends with him?  He seems nice enough.  He got busy, I got pre-occupied, and he did a disappearing act.  Eventually, I got involved with some Numb-Nut I’d mentioned in an earlier blog (or at least should have).  Nevertheless, when I cut things off with the Numb-Nut, I sent a text to this guy…we’ll call him Jay for brevity sake.  Just to let him know I was free to socialize with, cuz the Numb-Nut was the jealous and insecure type (A whole ‘nother Oprah Show people…I’ll share that with you at a later date).

Now here I am, wanting to socialize like a good little girl (which btw, I am definitely NOT) but I invite him over to my local bar on a Friday night where I sing so we can play catch up over some beers, in between songs and dancing.  Outside he told me that he was interested and wanted a kiss, if I would permit it.  I told him I was not interested in any kind of commitments with him, that I was happy to be free from the constraints of relationships; shared with him a little about my being in the Lifestyle and told him he could have a kiss *Don’t judge me…I was curious*.  He was completely unfamiliar with swinging and I did my best to explain what I could in short order.  To say the least, the kiss left a great deal to be desired, and had my night headed down No Dick Drive on the detour home tonight..  However, I got to feelin’ randy that later in the evening… and asked him if he wanted to join me for a little playtime.  He cried “Tired” and with it being past midnight and my already knowing he had to be up for work at 4:30am, I was sympathetic and I let it go.  It was whatever, wasn’t no hurt feelings on my end… I’ve been playin’ this game for far too long to get all choked up over a brush-off or a legitimate refusal.

OK, so here is where the retardedness kicks in, I’m a pretty cut and dry chick.  I utilize a great deal of tact until you press my nerves and I become completely unconcerned about your feelings… So… We begin to text back and fourth early one weekday morning – around 3AM – and the tail end of it goes exactly like this:

HIM:     I want you

ME:     :) I am well aware that you want me, I can see it in your eyes.  We will have to make some arrangements to put you in a position to act on that desire of yours

HIM:     Do you want me?

ME:     I want sex.  End of story.  I have a mild addiction to it, which is one of the reasons I am a swinger.  If you can accept that fact without being overly concerned with whether it’s you or your dick that I’m after, then we’ll do just fine

HIM:     Can you blow me this morning my dick is hard as a rock

I stared at the phone in disbelief and didn’t bother replying…

HIM:     Leaving around 5am to 510, are you coming out

At this point it’s important to note that I am tired and bugged by the messages still coming in since it was about 4:45am and I have not been sleeping well, and went to bed late as it was.  I was also offended at the insinuation that I’d get out of my bed for this dude who hadn’t even smelled the pussy thru my pants let alone got to introduce himself to it.  I got that message, rolled my eyes, and rolled right the fuck back over to go to sleep.  I was irritated and a bit miffed.

So when I eventually woke up, I sent this:

ME:     I have a question for you!  Why would you ask me to come out of my warm bed in the wee hours of the morning to suck your dick in the car:  Do you think I’m a trick that will service a guy on a whim because I love to fuck as much as the average man, and not looking for an attachment?  Help me understand where that came from.

HIM:     Now did I mention a car?

ME:     I realize that you didn’t say anything about doing it in the car, but I didn’t think we had reached the point of understanding in our relationship where you should feel free to just up and ask me if I wanted to give you head.

He was trying to explain himself and going a REALLY bad job of it and blaming the misunderstandings of our “overly long” conversation on his text message issues.  However his responses are not what I am wanting to see… like “No I don’t think you’re a trick… blah blah blah”.  But I am getting a lot of confusing commentary that is not addressing the issue.  To which, I finished up with this:

ME:     Jay, there is obviously a communication barrier between us, and I have to be honest with you, I really don’t do well with people who have difficulty understanding me.  Primarily because I hate to have to repeat myself and moreover, have to explain myself in great length and detail, or in extensive depth.  It gets to be exhausting.  I feel as if this is where we are headed and I can tell you right off the top that I have no patience for the trip.

After which he was falling all over himself to apologize and show some signs of clarity.

HIM:     Can I see you later tonight?

ME:     Yeah… sure…. whatever

I met him in the park across the street around 7PM before the sun went down and talked to him for a few.  Aside from a multitude of apologies for the misunderstanding earlier, he wanted to confess to me that he was attracted to me initially because of my big booty, and it just had his head all messed up.  I’m thinking (Whoop De Fuckin Do Nigga… How big is your dick?)  LOL  I am sorry for sounding so crass, but stupidity and backwards thinking does that to me.  He wanted to just squash the past and start over.  I said that was fine with me.  I shook his hand, and told him we would start from here.  He asked for a kiss, I raised my eyebrow, gave him one of those French side pecks, and sent him on his way with a hope and a prayer… but that conversation had pretty much  sealed the deal for me regarding him getting any pussy.  He wasn’t getting nun.  Some time went by and we didn’t really talk for a while…

NOW… Flash forward to yesterday… And the texts start like this:

HIM:     Are you still speaking to me

ME:       Yes

HIM:  Okay… Can I have a big juicy kiss I’m a little depressed u don’t have to answ right now but let me no soon

ME:     No

HIM:     Why what happened what did I do

ME:       You didn’t do any one thing in particular.  Interacting with you an a verbally intimate level has shown me that we are not compatible in that area.  It would be too much to try to explain in depth.  In short, our personalities don’t mesh well, there are some sexual social graces that you lack, and their missing pieces disturb me.  I also see that you are needing this interaction for a purpose that I am not willing to fulfill.

I got the feeling that he wanted me to be the filler for whatever was missing in his life.  I am not trying to be the Tickle Me Elmo doll for a guy who is getting no joy at home and doesn’t have a ‘script for happy pills.  If you want my attention it better be because you “Want My Attention” not because you need it to fill some void for you.

HIM:  U are full of it, disturbed because I said ass – let me tell you something, I don’t think having sex as a swinger is normal, that’s disturbing, I just wanted u for u thats all, I don’t sleep with everyone cause I don’t want hiv or stds so its ok if u don’t

Now people, I was not exactly sure of all that he was trying to say, but I think I got the gist of it… and what I understood, Pissed Me Off!  The implications alone that I was sleeping with “everyone” would have had the heel of my foot in his crotch if I had been standing in front of him, and it seemed like some childish shit was at play, so I replied with the following:

ME:     What exactly does my being a swinger have to do with any of this.  I never asked what you thought of it, because I couldn’t give a bigger shit what your opinion of my lifestyle was.  One of my major issues with you has been your inability to communicate clearly.  I don’t know whether you intend to be insulting or if it’s purely accidental, but you have succeeded in pissing me off by telling me that “I am full of it”, and talking about how my lifestyle is disturbing.  Fuck You!  If you are looking to stop communications with me, you are definitely on the right track.

NOW… that was 9:16 in the morning… and all day he had been blowing up my phone callin’, leaving me messages, sending me texts… apologizing, saying he was wrong, that he felt hurt by my response, so he felt the need to be hurtful and mention the swinging issue, put it down, and making comments about whom I sleep with, but he was really sorry and he still wants to be friends; beggin’ me not to be mad.  I have refused to answer the phone and won’t give him the satisfaction of a response.  Jealous muthafucka just got his panties in a bunch cuz he came to realize that I wan’t gonna be offerin’ nun to him.  I was wondering whether to even send him a note to say that I don’t want to be bothered, but I figured… Naaaah, he as far as I’m concerned, he can take his respect for friendship, fold it up, lay it on the ground, kneel down and suck my non-existent dick.

Under most circumstances, I am nothing if not a dignified woman … until you have vexed me in some way.  If you knew me at all back then, you’d have known that I am very laid back, and it took a great deal to get me to use profanity in a state of irritation and actually direct it toward someone.  So my line had not necessarily been crossed, but my irritation level had been peaked.  Stupid is as stupid does and I was not looking to be friends with him.  As a matter of fact, when I’d left the last man in my life, I bought a cute pair of PJs that state across the chest as well as on one of the pant legs “I’m Not With Stupid Anymore” … They were my favorite for obvious reasons.

People…the inability to communicate clearly is a BIG turn off for me.  Whether it be for  relations of intimacy, or employment, or friendship, it is one of those things that I have recently decided that I simply will not tolerate in relationships that I can have any control over. Niggas really outta pay more attention.