Physician Heal Thyself

I have spent an embarrassing amount of years being afraid to speak my mind to the random & unknown masses while utilizing my gift of writing. My tough outer skin shows someone who gives about 2 shits about other’s opinions. But the truth of the matter is that because of how I was raised, I can’t help but to care…to be concerned about how I appear in the public eye…to use a modicum of tact on the off chance someone of importance is watching, listening or reading… in other words, “careful of your behavior, lest ye be judged.”

Mom was more Old Testament than I’m sure she would admit. However recently I have come to the personal conclusion that this fear of judgement has stifled one of my truest talents and caused me to do exactly what God said NOT to do, which is “bury your gifts”. I have done this ALL my life, save the few opportunities I have taken advantage of to blog freely and anonymously. Or when I thought the audience observing me was of a free and open minded mentality. But there are things on my mind and in my heart just begging to come out my mouth and thru my finger tips that I know need to hit the ears, eyes and hearts of men and women who DON’T think like me or relate to my life in any aspect…yet we both will find that they actually NEED what I have to offer. It is understood that all humans need the same basic essentials for their survival, stability and peace. I believe that all spirits are similar. I aim to speak to the spirits of others…primarily because my experience has shown that most humans don’t pay attention, I hate having to repeat myself and the spirit of man is far more receptive & less judgemental than the vessel it inhabits.

I long to be more than I am. But seem to be unable to grow with the swiftness that my spirit feels it is intended to. I was raised in the church but by choice am no longer associated with any religious affiliation. Yet thru self reflection, I’ve just discovered that I alone have closed off the benefits and prosperity that God’s Gift of writing has had to offer me for more than 2 decades based on a fear that is rooted in a religion I have not taken pubic claim to in probably 12 years. (Shaking my damn head)

This really needs to stop. I can blame no one but myself for my lack of success nor happiness within any field of employment that I have chosen. All honesty….God has been telling me for the last 3 years that my life and living circumstances will be changed thru my writing. Whenever I have complained about things getting better faster, I am reminded that I am the reason….why they haven’t, AND why they will eventually.

To this my people I say…it’s really time to stop being afraid. Scared I will lose friends, have family be upset, that the entirety who I really am will not be the person everyone seems to be so chill with. But how is one true to themselves only “part of the time”??? I promise if I allow myself to be open and honest about things, I can actually show you. I do it every day. And I know I’m not alone. Pray for me as I attempt to rectify this awful thing I have done to myself, choosing not to continue playing the role of the frightened wallflower at the HBO Roast where I am the Host, the Roasting Panel & the Guest of Honor, FUCK THE AUDIENCE…REAL TALK! The only reason they are present is to pay to experience the show, and My Stupid Ass won’t even speak the fuck up. How the hell have I been expecting a paycheck all this time? (Deep Pitiful Sigh)

S.K.

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