This Little Thing Called Life

So recently I moved my mother from what will probably be the last house that she will ever purchase again, into a 2-bedroom senior apartment. The down-size was fast and furious and the release for her was glorious. I have wanted her to do this for years upon years. But she has always been an active member of any community that she has been a part of. So a quick get up and go would not be easy. And as a blessing for her only daughter (me), she stayed in a home far beyond her means to allow her only grand-daughter the privilege of going to the high school of her choosing thru til graduation. Her decision allowed me to work on the building of a mobile business that has provided a corporate free life for over 6 years. The difficulties with all of our choices never swayed her from the sacrifices that she continued to make week, after month, after year. There are no words or deeds that can repay what she has done for me and my children. And in my efforts to be a better daughter, I stopped my life for several days on several occasions to help her get done what was necessary…just as she has numerous times for my brother and I over our lifetime.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where the rolls of parent and child take on a reversal. The feeling of its beginnings crept up on my shoulders this past week as she has begun to settle in. Not just on the surface, but deep down inside, I have a stirring to be prepared to meet her needs and stop my life periodically. I’ve been observing how the changes of life have taken its toll over the last 30 years…on her…and on me. It reminds me of a song I’ve loved by Bonnie Raitt called The Nick of Time. There is a portion of the lyrics that go like so:

I see my folks, they’re getting old, I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me, And it makes us both feel strange

No matter how you tell yourself, It’s what we all go through
Those eyes are pretty hard to take when they’re staring’ back at you
Scared you’ll run out of time

When did the choices get so hard?
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious when there’s less of it to waste

Hummmm Scared to run out of time

These few lines reflect the reality of the inevitable transformation of man/woman from one phase to the next and what we can expect by simply looking into the same face we have from the day we were born. It’s a pleasant, spectacular, beautiful and mortifying experience at each perspective phase, and at times, all together at once. So here I am, not at the end, or even near the end, but much closer than I was the last time I considered it. Yet even though I am at a very freeing and liberating place in my life, and the first thought that comes to mind when I consider my future is how my mother will do in her new environment and life that she has created for herself. As well as the effect of the medical difficulties that have taken hold of that which she has considered her “normal” life for so long. Praying in silence that the newness will have healing effects and restore her to someone closer to the woman I am use to calling “Mom”.

However, the reality of my current situation is that of many at my age, this clarity is one that creates a kaleidoscope of views on, not only the present issues at hand, but on how my mother must have viewed things at this age with the multitude of decisions that she had to make within the larger perspective of her own personal struggle and the complexities of that which she knew her own life to contain. My heart goes out to her former self in ways that I cannot explain without thorough apologies following. The depth that comes with all of this is a pool of cold stunning water that would leave one unprepared with a quick case of mental hypothermia. It’s fascinating to me how the simple thing of helping my mom move into a new home that, in itself represents a new phase of life for her, has me thinking about things. Not so much mortality, in as much as I have never believed that we would live forever. But instead, the steady, never ending flow of life itself. The fact that no matter how you plan for other things, that This Little Thing Called Life will continually run its course regardless of plans made or eagerness anticipated.

I grow more and more appreciative for the time that I still have with mom. I am also more focused on the things that I have had a strong desire to do for years but never accomplished. About what things I can do to bring pride to her while she is still here with me. I remember a time when she said to me, “Don’t bring me flowers when I die.   How can I appreciate them then?” A fair question to be sure. So I aim to bring joy to her heart now while I have the opportunity to see it on her face myself, instead of wondering how bright her smile might be behind the clouds.

~SK~

Priority: Family

HAPPY Day After TURKEY DAY WORLD
I am thankful for a great many things, but today I am most thankful for my actual family. This year’s events have taught me the importance of Family on a much deeper level than before. Call it menopause… call it getting older… call it an awakening from hardships…
 
ME… I call it wisdom.
 
LOYALTY makes you Family. So if you call them “Family” it doesn’t matter how they came into your life. Nor does it matter if they are individuals whom you happen to call Family. They themselves, their needs, their love, their pride in you, their trust in you, their belief in you….Neglecting any of this is not an option. It’s not that they always come before everyone or anything else. But more like, they always need to be a priority in your life. It needs to be considered in the midst of you living your life. During the good & easy going times as well as the bad & hard to handle times. We are ALL going thru something at some time. No one person’s plight more important than the next. But Family….how all of you decisions will effect them is really important. From the biggest decisions that make the smallest impact, to the smallest ones that make the biggest impact.
 
We ARE our Family….no matter how much we may have issues with them at times or all the time. They played &/or play a big part of what created who we see in the mirror each day and they help to shape the person we will see in years to come. Hardships & Celebrations, Gratitude & Neglect, Peaceful Love & Rough Hostility …. At the end of each and every day, whatever ….Family is what keeps us fed, clothed, looked out for, loved, feeling cared for and not alone in the world, family gives us hope….Family keeps us alive….until the very end.
 
I have disappointed, let down, and mistreated family this year. Whether intentionally or unintentionally. I can see in their eyes, their words, their actions, their deeds, their hearts… They have lost faith, pride, trust and in some…hope. You all know who you are without mentioning any names, and there are many of you. I offer my sincerest apologies for raising concern, breaking hearts and any other feelings of negativity that I have fostered within you. But every day is a new day to try to improve on what once was. So to those I call Family… I promise to do my best to be a Better me every day until I become the Best me I can be. I promise to consider you more, to regain your faith, to replenish your pride, to re-earn your trust, to restore your hope.  I wish to be a better, Child of God, Daughter, Sister, Mother, Auntie, Godmother, In-Law, and any other position I hold in the lives of those I call …. Family.
 
Try to Forgive….But never forget…so that you may remind me to stay on the proper path. I use to be a truly genuine person of my word in each and every sense of the term. My mother reminded me sadly, that I am not that woman any longer. For the life of me … I had no argument. I love her for her honesty. And I love you all for your patience with me and way of doing me.
 
Peace & Light
SK

Accepting The Truth – The Blog

So there comes a time in every woman’s life when she has decided that she has her telescope locked in on a man and HE is “going to be the one”. I can’t tell you how many times this phase has passed thru my life cycle and sent me into a spiraling swirl of blissful and mentally corrupt insanity.
But what I can tell you is the knowledge I have acquired from all of this suffrage on behalf of yearnings of the heart. The lesson comes from a multitude of embarrassments, from situations I’d hoped were not what they really were; from feeling unappreciated after doling out too many un-requested expressions of faithfulness and support, fits of anger and the cliff notes of other women’s stories so plentiful that it would leave you bewildered to number them. I share this lesson which I have entitled “Accepting The Truth” because I honestly believe that this is the only way to get through most of the issues that we women deal with when it comes to relationships in our life.
If we didn’t do ourselves so frequently from the beginning we’d probably fair better in the end AND along the way. I watch us walk in denial so often and float along in life on the “wish & a hope & a prayer” cloud, using selective reasoning and rationalization as our Visine when the red flags get to be so many our vision gets blurry. There is a wish for others to learn what I have learned….There is a hope that this knowledge will cause a change of mindset that will free you…there is a prayer that I have finally learned all that I have needed in what I hope to most assuredly be “the end” of my search for happiness.
To the women who feel deep down inside that the man in their scope is the One:
Although this message may or may not have been relayed to your Special Mr. through whatever spiritual overlord in your life that shares these kinds of utterings… the important thing is to stay FOCUSED. Not on what you want, but why you want it, why you’re in it to win it to start with. Many heads of wisdom have quoted the old saying “nothing worth having comes easy”. I would probably not be off the mark to say that they have all learned this from personal experience. Accepting the truth of things is one thing, but walking in that acceptance is a whole other ballgame.

Be prepared to play the roll that you wish to take on.  All the haters, pessimists, and naysayers alike will have their place and play their roll accordingly.  They will be looking for you to get your nerves wrapped around their behaviors and commentary so the roots of your being will show beneath the die job they think you call your “real personality”. It is justification for their actions.  A court jester would simply stop performing if the court ignored him completely.
Forcing a man to pretend the same game of make believe that you’ve got going on is futile, no matter how tight and sophisticated your game is, nor how strong the hand of cards you hold. It wouldn’t even make a difference if you were able to convince him that and Angel came to your very presence to tell you it was meant to be.  He would believe you and still take his time making a move in any direction.  Whether a man wants you or not, you will never be able to coerce him into being ready before he decides its time.  A real man, one who knows his worth is not going to let even the best of women slide through to the finish line without evidence of her splendor remaining brilliant in the face of the torrential rains that come with life’s uncertain weather patterns.  The silliness that we as women do and have done is only proof that we don’t love ourselves more.  What is coming to you will come.  Trying to figure out when and why not yet will only promise to frustrate you as much as trying to manipulate the divine plan of the universe.  Whether you see it in the horizon, or have to look at it every day until it is pronounced yours, Patience With The Process is the key. and Focus is the only way to achieve patience. Where does the Focus come from you ask?…..Prayer.

This letter to me is what God had to say during one of our conversations when things were getting rough and my faith in the promise of what would be mine was beginning to wane. I love that He always keeps it 100% with me.

Accepting The Truth
This. His absence is physically painful…but you gotta go thu some shit. Not wanting to be around him, and wanting to be engulfed in his tenderness…at the same time….but you gotta go thu some shit. What I have for you is so far beyond your great imaginings, but you gotta go thu some shit. You can’t expect me to just GIVE you everything you ask for at some randomly chosen time. Especially without an exchange of some sort. You need to go thu some shit. How in the world will he know what to expect when things get really rough if he don’t see you go thu some shit?
You are The One, open your eyes and see it. You are in a position to SEE EVERYTHING, don’t run from it, open your eyes and witness it all. See and bear witness to how an empire is raised out of nothingness. You will rise right along with it, what good does it do you to close your eyes to any of it? How does that protect you or prepare you for anything? What are you doing? Don’t wish to be elsewhere. Wish for the strength, courage & endurance to withstand each and every test I put you through. Pray for the poker face that you so desperately need to get to the end over-educated but completely undetectable.
This is your crash course in tolerance. Since you chose to procrastinate, as you seem too do far more often than you have time to. I told you before that there is NO time for procrastination or depression. You asked me why the cloak n’ dagger act has to be the way it is with him, and I have told you that you are at fault. Your intolerance is what makes him have to do everything incognegro. Ducking out without warning, to parts unknown & with people you can only suspect is what will continue to be how he handles things so long as you will not tolerate his being himself in front of you. However, you miss much more trying to focus on what’s in front of you at all times for the wrong reasons. If you opened your eyes to it ALL and how it’s all going on before you, you will be better equipped to handle the issues within your empire as they arise.
The pain you feel from his absence is a direct cause of your intolerance. You have caused it. The pain you feel when you are tolerant will be repeated, but you can train yourself to endure it. Are not these two of the essential qualities of love…tolerance & endurance?
Don’t look away, OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE just what it is. All these things that displease you so. Accept them as a part of the person that reveals them to you and see them for who they really are. See yourself for what you really are…your place…your position in your life from a 360o perspective on things. Then decide to act accordingly. ~~~
~Synthia Klaire~

Starting TodaySociology has always been my favorite subject next to law. There is intrigue in the reasoning behind why one human behaves the way they do and so differently than the human standing directly behind them in line. To me the story behind the person has always been much more fascinating to me than the person themselves.  I listen intently as I absorb the regurgitation of their life’s experiences and allow it to run over my senses like a river of words spilling from the Book of Life itself. What a privilege it is to be able to be in the presence of Life as it is unfolding for someone else.  My present life has afforded me the opportunity to be blessed with this on a more regular basis than most and I feel tender with sensitivity towards those whose lives I have be able to witness devastation and monumental change.  Powerful is a completely insufficient word to use in description.

The statement in the picture reminds me to consider all that I’ve been thru and be appreciative for what remains. I have had 6 personal losses by death in the last 7 years and the list of regrettable things that I have done or not done with regard to each of them is staggering. But I have memories that will guide and last me a lifetime. The wealth of wisdom and direction, the years added to my life from the hours and hours of laughter provided by their place in my life at just the right time. The joyful stories that I too will have the opportunity to bless someone else with as I sit at their side…diarrhea of the mouth…as I spill the waters of a life that has touched mine onto the soul yet another person now in the position that I have spent so many years.  As I bathe them in a lifetime of experience that they will only wish to be able to share in their future to come. The seed of hope is planted.  How I love to share their stories… our stories…. my memories… they provide all of the remedies to all of my ailments and fortunately I have learned… to the ailments of many others I share with.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

image

I’m not quite sure what it is that makes stupid people thrive to share all the great abundance of so called intellect with the world all at one time. However this evening I have decided to convince myself that their reasoning is rooted in the fact that they are well aware of their of level ignorance and in order to mask it in any kind of believable way one takes the opportunity to share each and every tidbit of information that they have ever acquired, merely feigning intelligence.

Unfortunately for said person, their offer of regurgitating info comes out like diarrhea of the mouth and causes those of us with truly genuine sensibilities to be in a place of constant irritation just being in their presence.

Might I make this simple request for all of those who know exactly how I feel. I give this shoutout to those who feel the deep desire to constantly hear your voice in a crowd of 1 or numerous others, just so you can share exactly how much you know, how it is you came to be so well renowned and why I need to be privy to this morsel from your tree of knowledge.

To all of you to whom I speak I say this with the utmost respect for friendships and relations of all time and with the most tender of hands on your shoulders as I look you in the eye with an old southern twang inmyvoice and ask you kindly, to “Please, shut the fuck up!”

Oh and where are my manners? “Thank you very much, in advance my dear!”

I have spent and still continue to spend entirely too much time in the presence of those insist on talking all the damn time. It matters not what it is they discuss most of the time its gossip staring you in the mouth looking for feedback waiting for additional material almost stressed that you are providing any getting the feeling that you’re ignoring them one that’s truly what you trying to do but it’s difficult so many things are going through my mind all the time and their constant yammering is like a construction site going up in the midst of a Japanese garden. Where is the tranquility? Where is the solidarity? Where the fuck is my peace of mind? It’s all I can do to keep from saying, “Please please I beg of you, just stop talking!!! Looking at it realistically though, the individuals in question would only seize the opportunity to recognize this as fuel for a conversation that will no doubt result in some type verbal conflict.

It’s the drama that they are drawn to. Like trailer trash & hood rats to Jerry Springer & Maury Povich. … they are magnetized to the entertainment of it all. They will even offer hostile commentary of their own in order to defend their stance. Adding extra info that has absolutely no relevance to the grand scheme of any area of their life to fatten up an already weak argument. Loud talking you so they can avoid actually hearing your side of the discussion. Which, if they find themselves slipping on their game and actually take a breath, may wind up catching a ear – full. To which they will no doubt reply “Whatever” or “It doesn’t matter.”, to whatever it is they hear from you or anyone else with the nerve to speak. Why is it such a challenge to just call a spade a spade and accept it for what it is and how it is expected to behave in the given environment? See now, if society had not created standards, this ignorance would be viewed as simply a different social class or different culture of people. Of course this very well may be the case already and I who has not yet adjusted. I see a grown person and I just automatically assume that somebody raise them right and unleashed them into society but unfortunately I am often wrong.

Oooh chyle I’m done. Good manners, on my part, prevents me from striking them in the mouth with my shoe. But a good ass-whoopin or two, as a child, on their part would have prevented the stress that built this blog.

God give me strength.
SK

Whatever and It doesn’t matter

Two Wolves – A Medicine Story

The medicine story is an American Indian way to illustrate a concept like fables and proverbs used by other cultures. The successful medicine story is one that makes you ask questions, leads you through those questions so many different layers, illuminating the problem at hand, and teaching lessons.

An elder Crow American Indian was teaching his grandchildren about life.  He said to them,

“A fight is going on inside me … It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents anger, guilt, greed, depression, self-pity, superiority, and fear.

The other wolf represents hope, kindness, empathy, humility, truth, compassion, and serenity.

The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old Indian simply replied,

“The one I feed.”

Random Questions….To You, To Myself, To All Of Us

  • Where is this great distance of earth is the humanity that we so often speak of?
  • When is it that we as Humans actually give without truly in our hearts expect without asking?
  • How is it that we call ourselves peaceful when we teach our children to learn to kill for us?
  • Is it really wise to act like our neighbors are family when we act like our family, are strangers?
  • Where in this world of understanding people is the fact of a non-discriminatory man or woman?
  • When will we come to look into the mirror and realize that we aren’t who we say we are?
  • I think now is the time for us to come to our senses and face the truth…..What is that truth for you?

Binding It Up & Walking On Ahead

“All the time you spend tryin to get back what’s been took from you, more’s goin out the door. After a while ya hafta just try to get a tourniquet on it.”

~ No Country For Old Men ~

This is the only line in the entire movie that stood out for me. Great movie, by the way…suggested to me by a good friend. But this statement in particular touched on the issue of hurt & pain. It was made in the movie by man who had been severely wronged by another and the offender had died while serving their time in prison. Someone asked them what they would have done if the person had been released. The man answered, “Nothing”…and to the questioner’s surprise, he followed with the statement above.

I related and understood the need to simply bind the emotional wound and just move on. However, I still have yet to learn how to master this simply technique. I often wonder whether I am one of few, or if there are actually many others who have done this or need to do this with situations in their life. Do you see a point to it, or is it more satisfactory to steep in your anger, plotting, planning and anticipating vindication?

I wrote this blog years ago and still work on the need to let things go when its hard. But I have learned over the years, that it is simply best to follow the lessons of this simple statement. In that it does not bring the satisfying results that the “get back” usually does, but real talk, it truly allows you to move forward if you honestly let it go. However painful the process of doing so may be…  again… I still work on this.

Promises, Promises….

I have no idea why it is that the promises from God are the ones that I have the hardest time accepting and relaxing with. Deep down I wanna blame it on the fact that the end results are so huge that its almost unbelievable that it could be pulled off without issue.  But yet again, I have never been disappointed. So, that being said, I will interject that a series of private posts about my request of God and the promises that it would come to fruition without worry or concern was granted as I followed instruction and offered the only thing that was requested of me.  Beautiful moment, everyone happy, blah blah blah… NOW

There is the issue of money that has been agitating me for a long time and God has told me for years that I simply need to write and that the money would come through because it is the writing that He wishes to get out of me, not activity.  The changes in my life and the financial freedom that I long to have again as well as the desire to be able to maintain ME and my needs without leaning on anyone else…it is all on hold waiting for me to get to writing.  So just as the request for my time with my daughter. I am putting it out there and getting ready for my blessings…

SK

Living Eyes Closed & Mind Open

 

I have the second half of the serenity prayer literally splayed across my left arm from back to front. It’s a tattoo that takes up about 1/4 of my upper sleeve. It is supposed to be a reminder to me of how I need to let go of my control issues and learn to accept things in things without getting upset when they change away from my favor. Then there are the occasions where I get my nerves all twisted up because regardless of how well the details of the circumstances all fall into place for MY plan, they simply DO NOT go that way. I get tunnel vision with my hopes and desires and then give hell to everyone and everything that proves to support any other cause…no matter how selfless or legitimate. The problem is that its on my arm and I rarely look down to read it. The inspirational words are these:

“Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.”

I have spent the entirety of 2011 evaluating myself, reviewing, monitoring, focusing on, trying to understand, get a grasp on, etc. Basically figuring myself out. It has been an arduous task. It’s much more difficult to look at yourself from the inside than to look at yourself from the outside. The pain and psychological damage that comes from the realization of self-imagery is far deeper scaring than from the image that others see or from their reaction to the reality that stands before them, and not the façade that we put up. I have hurt my own feelings with some of the realizations I have come across.

I have been training myself to accept that I must not only SEE things for what they are, but treat them accordingly. Not give more attention or support towards the illusion or hope of something to come, but simply like it or dislike it and treat it just like that. People and situations alike. I think I will be kinder and happier.

 

SK