Know Me

My 1st marriage set ablaze the Forest of Trust where Faith and Hope flourished in great abundance.  Then my next love stole the seeds & seedling so there was nothing left to plant and grow upon.  The remnants of the Me I knew, was lost somewhere near the end of my foreign experience.  It forever changed me.  Not it, the event… but it, as in the collection of events that we call life.  And thru a series of spiritual lessons, I have come to learn the unfortunate truth of her untimely demise and how, as much as I and others miss her, anticipation of her return is an enormous waste of time and energy.

I am different now.  No longer the woman I was or know her to be.  And more importantly, still discovering who it is I will become while trying to figure out who I am now.  And not recognizing anything as familiar but my past self.  But she no longer fits in this life.  And the job description has changed too drastically.

The adjustment to one’s new self is a tedious, confusing, stressful & painstaking process.  Add to that the demi-psychosis that menopause brings and you can imagine that one might feel a bit crazy.  In that state of mind – having to tackle 12 personal deaths, (to include both grandmothers, both fathers & my only other sibling), a cross-country move – 3 times, not having my own home, going to jail, changing professions mid-life, changing life goals mid-life, creating & building a business, etc. etc….

…..the idea that I didn’t handle everything well, nor made the wisest decisions in the midst of these years is not surprising.  But to be fair — I was not myself.  Still trying to find her.

    One’s 20’s are usually the period during which most fulfill this quest.  But my time was filled up with early parenthood and dreams of the art of Legalese.  I lost something key in this phase that caused all my future choices to be based on a narrowed perspective of a portion of life’s picture.  But my goals at the time reflected where my heart lay.  And there was nothing that held me more desperately than the mother’s passion I had for my little ones & education.

    So now the little ones are no longer, yet I am still a mother.  My studies continue, yet my lessons are vastly different.  And still in all of this, I’m discovering who this new woman is and what her new role will be.

~SK

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Precious Memories of Mom

PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY FROM:
January 19, 1990 – Friday 9:11pm
(I was a 20-year old mother of 2 living in California in a sad excuse of a marriage and my mother was over 2500 miles away living in Florida)

Dear God,

Whenever I start to write I wish you allowed the hand to move with faster grace.  There is always so much on my mind with so little time to cover the maximum of my feelings.I want to speak on my mom and I.  I think about my mom alot. I love her so much.  I sometimes regret not being closer to her while growing up, but I have her now & that’s what matters.

I went to get some icecream this evening and had to stop to pick up around the house before getting in bed to eat it.  When I got to it the scoop of icecream had melted some on the sides.  As I began to swirl the spoon

around the sides, eating the melted part and turning the ball of icecream over and over in my glass, hearing the tingly clank of the spoon against the sides of my glass and slurping and spacking my lips to the enjoyment of the whole experience, —– I had a memory flash.  I was remembering my mom and how, when she had a glass of icecream, she would eat and enjoy it in the exactly the same way.

As I stared into the glass and watched myself in motion, I was the same picture that I did 10 years ago while staring at my mom & icecream.  I always ate icecream straight from the glass.  But mom, she would swirl that ball of icecream around just long enough for the ball to fit on the spoon without falling off.  She would then lift the icecream from the glass and eat around the ball.  Licking, but mostly slurping.  Periodically plopping it back into the glass to roll it around in any melted ice cream that may have been left behind.  Relifting and eating it until gone.

I was nearly finished, yet still thinking about mom & her ice cream, when I decided, just for the heck of it, to pick up my ball of icecream and begin to slurp on it.  I put it back in the glass and kind of laughed at myself in my imitation of mom.  I thought it was silly really, but still I felt a bonding with her.

Wondering, if my children were watching me, whether they would see me through their eyes as I had seen mom so long ago.  Not in any particular way, but just as something, some-time, some-moment to remember.  I may see trivial to most, but to me and my complex thoughts, it’s not just a memory of coincidence, it’s a footnote in a book of similarities between mother & daughter.  This particular mother & daughter.

Thank you Lord for our differences that allowed mom to be who she was as a mother then and still allows me to be who I am as a mother now.  Thank you for our similarities that help me think of and remember her as a mom & a friend.  I think I mentioned this before, but I miss my mom, alot!  Nevertheless this time apart has helped me to grow more independant as a person and as a parent.  But best of all, it has strengthened our relationship and allowed a friendship to form.

God bless us both.

~Me~

If We Could All Have It So Good

Blessings wished on all my single friends who truly do not want to be. More than my heart — but at its deepest parts, there lies a hole through which one can reach more than my inards, — but to the very edge of my soul, and it is from THERE that my heart begins to pour out towards them a compassion that bridges the gap of misunderstanding. Brothers and sisters when you cry out “Do you feel me, can you hear me”…Muthafukas I FEEL YOU, Gotdammit. I HEAR YOU so, so, so LOUD!!!

I noticed on some different journal entries I have mentioned the word Home in association with the word / city, Houma. But even as I sit on the very streets I ran thru as a child, I still dont consider it my home like that anymore. A nomad / gypsy of sorts, I feel my home is wherever I make it.

It feels like home but its not. People are differnt here now, but they’re not. What is familiar to me comes from memories of my past and moreover, a past that began to alter prior to my fellow peers. This place, for me, stopped being home before many of my classmates ever left their parents houses for the very first time. That being said, my memories of “home” are far older than most my age. Nonetheless I miss it. With its broadly painted spectrum of past and present…old & new. The generational gap between us & them… the vital and vibrant indifference between the two.

For irrelivant reasons, I had the opportunity to visit the hospital I was born at. And subsequently my second born child as well. Small flashes from & seemingly…back to…the past — with a splash of shock, a dash of truth and a twist of reality. And viola, Home is a whole new place with the same ‘ole face, and a can of fresh car scent and some fucked up rose tint job. The shady view provided by yours truly and their blurry ass visions of yesteryear.

So we reach this phase of life, where at nearly 50, the realities and truths that have settled in are far to potent to consume without some kind of vice… Be it Jesus or Jungle Juice… you NEED SOMETHING to stomach this shit. God be with you if you don’t know what that is by now or death could literally be eminent.

The blessing of having another human to share in the Life Struggle is beyond measure. The more of my people (in my age group) I meet, the more blessed I feel to have someone. I am dealing with one of the most intense transitions in my life and I have full faith and confidence in my ability to do this alone. I believe in myself at least that much. But to know I don’t have to. To know I have someone on my side who is supportive of my choice, my goals, my direction, my vision, my passion. That, my dear friend, is a thing to be treasured and protected like life and breath itself.

~S.L.B. Klayre

A Promise Made Is A Promise Kept

PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY FROM: June 16, 2017

Sometime after 6:30pm…@ home in the house in Houma.

Mother Earth,… Father God,…

Today at about 3:45pm Steven & I stood before Judge Juan Prickett and exchanged vows in the presence of Jaime’ & Karla Iraheta and their 2 children Carols & Alejandra.

Today a promise was kept. A promise was brought into fruition. This day, that was beautiful beyond question in appearance, temperature, ambiance, company, activity, flow, spiritual vibe, and any other category you could possibly consider… This day, a gift, a blessing, a wish, an offering, a true and genuine promise of God, was passed on and kept. A gift of my own choosing, a gift that long before my receiving was given approval and grace upon request.

A gift of our choosing, my precious Father God & I. There is no deeper agony than the literal act of waiting on something you have been told will be yours. But in the same desperate inhalation of hope filled breath… lies the uncomparable joy of knowing that the universe is on the side of your desires and that which fuels the passion in your very soul will most definityly be yours….. if only you have faith, believe, and wait.

The magnitude of this promise and its unfolding from the beginning is beyond meausre for me. The lessons I have learned on this journey and the memories created are invaluable. They, good, bad, and indifferent, all of them have changed my life… have changed my person, my direction, my focus, my vision… its all brand new. And regardless of which of the aforementione 3 was the motivating factor in each individual change… The end results have all been for the positive.

It was difficult for me to stay “in the moment” during the short ceremony with all of my flashbacks of our 7 years and 9 months together. The time flew like a flock of birds from a gunshot. And at the very same time it feels like we’ve not only known each other for much longer, but that we have actually lived several separate lifetimes together and this is the begining of simply another one.

Recently I have learned how to turn the most devistating part of our lives into a pivotal point of positivity that can be expanded on and we can grow with. I am in love with the newness of it. I am in love with my life. I am in love with our lifestyle and where it seems to be leading. I am in love with my new title. And more than all of these….. I am in love with my husband. This man who made me wait until I saw All Of It. Everything! All that he was and all the people & things that made him who he was. Made me wait til he saw me endure some of the major difficulties in his life and the struggle, hate, and complexities that surrouonded him and the women who chose to grind it out by his side. Made me wait until we both could see that there was no one left standing except he & I when decision time came and it was either gonna be a toast to the future or a very peaceful parting.

All of this waiting to ensure, in the once broken heart of a grown man that the words of love and loyalty coming from my mouth were to be trusted. He made me wait for him to choose Trust before he could choose Me. His fear of failure & fraud in the arena of love surpassed mine. And that in itself, helped me to remain patient. I didn’t think it was possible to have Trust Issues worse than my own without being stright-up paranoid. But he had it bad and his Poker Face was STRONG!

I tried hard to listen to Juan as he read from his book of matrimonial legalese. Not wanting to miss any vows I was commiting to. But the words he spoke resinated within my soul like a page from the Song of Solomon. The gift I was being given was clining to me like a newborn being held too far from the bossom, like a toddler with it’s tiny palm and didgets squeezing the pinky of their protector as they walk, like a teenager with pneumonia in the arms of their doting parent, tight light the embrace of a long lost lover who’s opportunity had once sliped away, and yet with the tenderness of the gase of an elderly couple into the deep set wrinkles of a lifetime of memories. This man held my hands like this. Just like these others hold on… as if in that very moment, there was no greater joy in existance than that which they would be able to derive from within me. And however their future proceeds forward… that it is a “Formidable Must” that I be in it.

I constantly processed the moment in between moments of prayer. Giving way to tears I did not want to cry. But my heart was filled to the bursting and there was nowhere for it to go but out. Before it was over we stood leaking from the face together. I wondered what he was thingking as his tears fell… again working through my inability to totally focus on what Juan was saying. But when I did… Ohhh the song sung out in my heart and head so that it became impossible for me to Not close my eyes in that the song became a prayer that he prayed for the two of us and we stood silently in agreement with him in the presence of our God & the small family of witnesses.

We entered into this marriage in the exact same way we entered into our friendship… Listening to music, smoking weed, talking business, and sharing memeories & dreams of the future.

~Mrs. S.K.T.

I Forgot To Remember

There she is, that little girl with the big mousey puffs in her hair.

Giggling & smiling with an abundance of silliness, We two are just quite the pair.

My twin, my mini-me, my cohort, my heart.

The Thelma to my Louise… My triplet in part.

God blessed her, to look just like me, with an uncanny essence of my Mother.

How funny that the three of us, each in our own right, look so very much like each another.

I plotted and planned from the day you came to me,
the path that I’d walk to get through this.

But the instant you came see, the plans rearranged, without warning and little assist.

Your health and your breath we held in our hands,

As your growth, all your family supported.

While I and your gramdma and your brothers helped pray, as through life’s great maze, I then sorted.
The last in my nest I worked hard to make sure that you’d get as much as those prior.

However the twist and the turns in the road, eventually things got less dire.

But just like the bad times — good times too, do not last…And I want to be perfectly clear,

That as I worked hard to repair all the damage that was done, I did more, that wouldn’t show up for years.

Eventually our realities took separate routes, to a barage of your great dismay.

In the care of kinfolk, I placed you to learn more, cus I knew she could show you the way.

As I went off to figure out how to bring back all the normalcy lost in our live, I could feel your heart begging “Please Stay”.

But my past with our Queen was so tainted and scared, If I did, we would both rue the day.

So I plodded ahead with an alternate plan, that was tossed every obsticle Murphy’s Law can.
And with hope and determination and a smidgen of thought —  That all my small efforts would one day, mean a lot.

I watched as you moved and evolved and expanded and flexed as the world grew around you.

Blossoming into a girl I’d not known, for the good and the bad and the indefferent too.

The realness got deeper and harder and darker and twisted more pain, than we both seemed could bare.

But through much of the heartache, the Lord’s Prayer persisted and eventually, there were signs of fresh air.

I thought as the moments grew closer to the hour when my Little Miss became a Young Ms.

That we both would be ready, in our very own way, to press forward and handle our biz.

Your resolve through the years of your youth had me certain that you had a solid foundation.

Yet the hurt that I felt as you stumbled from the nest, filled with angst and anticipation,

Let me know that what I’d envisioned in my mind, was truly not “our situation”.
I forgot to remember… How it was to be young.

Heart in my throat, nerves about shattered… Even though I was strong.

Full of hope, full of promise,.. Aimed to prove them all wrong.

I forgot to remember… How I fought in my youth.
To defend my own opinion… Stand tall for my truth.

A fast adult start with not many roots… Leaving my discovery of life’s mysteries to sleuth.
So I’m sorry that it felt as though I left you behind.

To go off life my life and then pay you no mind.
I swear this was no where near what it has seemed.

But the life we wound up with was not what I had dreamed.

Yet the strenght and endurance to brace all of life’s trials.

Had come into me from a liniange unbending for miles.

It had infused my persona with an unbelievable will.

And through the natural flow of our blood it would spill,

Freely and rushing with zest through your veins

And with this strength within, you’d take life by the reigns.

Shakey at first, but with the boldest intention.

Knocking down barriers, busting down walls, shining like a rockstar,

You’d show them all.

But your fears and anxieties came into play,

As the realities of grown up life got in the way.
The truths about bills, expenses, hardships & such,

Became overwhelming.  Became way too much.

I had missed some steps vital to your first footing in life.

To ensure that you start with a bang.

For to leave out the important point needed for hope.

Would mean all my work was in vain.

I had not shown you the diamond you are in this world,

Cuz forever to me you’d be my little girl.

Wanting to hold you so close and yet let you fly free,

I neglected to take acre of the stuff in between.
I forgot to remember while you’re learning to fly… it takes time to build the wind under your wings.

To make yourself ready to face all of these things.

It took time to process all the stuff I’d learned.  To thoughtfully consider the position in life I’d earned.

To use rules, faith and wisdom so I wouldn’t get burned… And
I forgot to remember to set aside time… to remind you of your roots that we’d left behind.

The one’s who had laid the foundation in the minds…

Of your mom, her mother & her mother before her… Cultivating a strength of character not easitly defined.

Preparing you with vigilance and durability and the lot…of whih the most important ones should never be forgot…
To let you know that I am Here… Not off living life on my own.

To make you feel that I am Here… Though you are every bit grown.

To let my love and concern reflect the heart of my ancestors and never allowing you to feel alone.
I will not shy away from acknowledging praise for the great men and woman I’ve raised.
But so long as I’ve lived, my pride has not denied the parts in wrongdoing I’ve played.

So from the depth or the core, or whatever is furthest…

Of my heart or my soul, whichever one seems most earnest…

My apologies for not living up to the standards set before me

Forgiveness and a second chance, Are what I do emplore thee.

Had I listened to my elders and heeded their yearnings,

To better my life in ways that would not bring strife,

The wrongs that I’ve done you as a parent just might,

Have taken a turn, so that you too may learn, to see life in a much better light.
I’m sorry for not guaranteeing, deep in your heart.
That what we had built together was not torn apart.

That despite life’s requirements for unwanted partings,

That it’s never the end, just all brand new startings.

I’m sorry for not making you more comfortable with changes. 

For not paying more attention to your emotions and ranges.

For trying so hard to focus on the securities of our future, while struggling with my past…

That I lost sight of the trials of your present, while busily wishing my own wouldn’t last

For leaving you to navigate the waters of life with the image of a ‘stronger you’,  you’d yet to become.

For not bothering to slow down my crazy, hustling, gringing pace, to explain that you were the one.

The reason I scurried about for so long.

Trying hard to do right but always getting it wrong.

Having given up one dream with the crazy idea, that its fulfillment would take away from our precious game.

And relaced it with one that did just the same.

Trying to fill in the gaps of our long lost Thelma & Louise…

While trying to maintain independence and freedom was not done with ease.
The number of years I dispised my mother’s words, when all she could offer was “I did the best that I could do”

When the roads were most rocky, that was just not enough for me, and I believe that she also knew.

But the day came when my apologies were directed at her.

Not for my youthful, childish behavior, but for not getting it sooner.

And for finally seeing that while, although “not enough”, That was truly all there was.

Through teary eyes I expressed my overstanding of a thing,

That only time and experience could share in its truth.

And I look forward to our emotionally tear filled day

And all of it’s unfolding fruit. 

But until then, please believe me and accept these words I say to you.

That considering Everything and Under The Circumsstances, “I did the best that I could do”.
Moving forward I see an opportunity to grow from where both our hearts wanderred off.
To solidify the spot in our little world, that the pressures of life have made soft.

To create for us, a brand new start…

That we walk together instead of apart.

I offer to you a sincere invitation to join me in a reunion and a rising above loss.

An open door to a fresh start, through which the memories of the past can then waft.

A place in which learning and growing will be done with the knowledge,
That not just for now, not just for later, and not just right after college…

My promise to be there, my commitment to family values, my decision to ensure you always feel my love…

Will forever remain a strong beacon of light, shining with the heat of at least one thousand suns…

Burning into my memory to never forget what happened when ….

I forgot to remember.

Learning To Accept My Blessings

So My Love and I were chatting last night about blessings while I was explaining to him my mentality on blessing others with things of my own that I consider precious, albeit my peronal time, a personal object, a gift of a favor, however it unfolds.  One of my many memorable chats with God came to mind as I recalled the way he described to me a gift he had for me and exactly why he chose me to have it out of all his other children. This concept stuck with me and keeps me from feeling resentful of blessing someone who does not appreciate my gift by choosing carefully to whom I bless it with.  The conversation was journaled and was written as follows:

10-12-2012  Friday  3:10pm

     I feel guilty at the idea of spending all my free time, (of which I have been blesed with plenty of) singing in open forums, talking to & educating people about general stuff I know, writing about my own thoughts & nterests, cooking and creating mystery recipes, and travelling to places known & unknown.

     The feeling brought on by a quiet conversation in my head with God.  In it he was encouraging me, stirring up within me a desire to go out and sing and my reply was that I didn’t have time for that kind of thing.

     “Make the time.” HE whispered, like the gentle nudging of a trusted friend with a twinkle in their eye and a smile at the very corner of their lips.  “How can I spend this time & energy doing the things I love doing when there are so many other things to do.

     “I want you to sing, write, explore, travel, cook, and enjoy all of the things you love doing.  And I will pay you for doing them.”

     The fullness of the reality of this kind of statement/promise hit me like a brick and I immediately found my face down in front of me and tears streaming out as though I had bee crying all along.  The flashes of a great many trials and difficulties in my life flooded my vision and were chased away by memories and personal knowledge of the far more desperate sufferings of so, so many others I have met or come to know along life’s travels.

     I could helpd but to feel unworthy of such a gift in comparison to the needs of these others.  Instantly realizing “yet again” how full and blessed my life has already been.  To which HE responds:

     “This gift is yours.  I have gifts for everyone.  To each I will give at the time for which it has been deserved.  Your gift is designed for you alone.  That is what makes it “yours” and not someone elses.  No one else will be able to appreciate this gift the way that you will. I know this.  It is why I am happy to let you have it and lay in wait to watch you enjoy it and flourish from it.”

     “My gifts will often be distributed with an expected level of appreciation already anticipated.  It cannot be helped. ~ The appreciation, I mean.  These kinds of gifts are different and unique because they are completely intangeble.  They are fused to the spirit of a man and motivate him beyond his own ability to control it.  The utilization of these kinds of gifts are like the lever to a levy, the pully on a pinball machine, the valve on a loose water hose.  The force unleashed can create a riple effecting an unfathomable amount of things.  Just imagine if there were no walls to the levy and no hills or mountains around when the lever is pulled… no side walls to block the ball’s direction when the pully is released… no yard when the hose releases the water… UNCONTROLABLE.”

     “The level of joy is far to great when a man recieves gifts of the spirit.  HE cannot help himself but to celebrate and rejoyce.  In the midst of both of these is the very essence of appreciation.  True, genuine, heartfelt appreciation.”
“I repeat… to each is given their gifts at the time in their lives during which they are deserving.  No one deserves a Spiritual gift that cannot fully appreciate it.  And I have gifts for everyone.  Receive yours.  You don’t realize it but you have been running from it for a very long while now.  For years now.  I am tired of fighting with you.  I have found that some of my children require a struggle preceeding the acceptance of certain gifts.  Like every parent with a stubborn child, I grow weary of trying to get you to hear me.  Especially when what I have to speak of is good news.  The stubborn children have the weakest faith of all my truly faithful.  Logic and reasoning is required before the acceptance of anything.  Even miracles.  It is sad because they are often the most deserving of their gifts well before reception.  They simply cannot rationalize their worthiness nor reason out, ‘why them’.  What they fail to recall is that I alone, do the rationalizing… I alone, know the logic behind it all… I alone, do the choosing… and thus “I AM” the reason ‘why them’.  I have gifts for everyone.  Your turn Synthia, is right now”

SK

******SIDENOTE*******

In no way do I compare myself to God in my choosing.  I just understand his perspective on the giftee apprecating a particular gift given. The deeper message here for me was learning to graciously accept a gift of such magnitude with the understanding that the one who gave it to me had already taken the time to consider my heart and pre-existing level of appreciation.  Had considered how it would please me, bless me and bring me enough joy to bless others with it. That I would enjoy it enough to not put it to waste.  So here I sit and think of how my life has unfolded into an arena that encompasses literally all of the things that He wanted for me and how in doing them I am indeed being paid… in cash, food, clothing, favors, loyalty, respect, honor, possessions, priviledge, education and an overabundance of opportunities to continue on a path to more wealth, progress, personal success.  And just as He said it would be, the level of joy within me is beyond words of description. My heart fills to the point where I feel I should begin to see it pressing through the flesh of my chest, I can barely breathe and the tears splash out like the misty showers of a wave crashing against the rocks of all my years of stubborness.  How often others have been blessed by my merely reveling in the joy of utilizing my gifts can’t even be counted. And I celebrate with them and I rejoice always and I Thank Him Every Day for all of it.  How pleased He must be in those moments as He witnesses the joy He’s brought me in His gift. As He is able to observe the blessings to me and to others it brings in the wake of said joy.

So I leave you with this to consider.  You’ve heard the saying “Don’t block the blessing” with regards to accepting gifts graciously because the gift giver will receive a blessing just for blessing you with a gift.  Now think of this….it is quite possible that you not only block the blessing of the gift giver, but also those blessings to be bestowed upon others by the joy of the you’re own enjoyment of it.  Just as important and especially when in the position to receive a gift from someone you respect, of which you believe or feel that you are unworthy… Before you say, “No, no, no, that’s too much” or “I couldn’t possible accept that”…. Realize the possibility that they have already taken the time to consider your heart and your pre-existing level of appreciation for this type of gift and it is with great joy that they are choosing you over all others to take pleasure in its reception.  Embrace your worthiness in this moment and praise God for sending you someone to show your value and greater level of worth to others than you thought  you knew.  Accept your gift.  Receive your blessing. Celebrate with others as you bless them. Rejoice in Lord thru it all as He is celebrating with you.

~God Is Good All The Time

~And All The Time God Is Good

Lessons Learned

Journal Entry

Saturday  7-19-2014

5:45am

The lessons learned during my trip to Houma, LA have been as follows:

1)  Gratitude ~ Show it — PERIOD

2)  Do’t be so disrespectful to your mother.  No matter how off balanced you may find her in the moment.

3)  Utilize your gifts. (Be prepared- whispered)

     Write, sing, cook, research, Enjoy!

4)  The community of Family is everlasting ~ eternal ~ ever evolving ~ EVERYTHING — Stay Close. Always

       In ALL ways.

SK

Little Miss Evangeline & Her Big, Big Shoes

image

2 more months and a week and she’d have made 22
but it’s September 14th and her baby is due
despite what her plans for the future she’d made
she had a new role in life to be played

Today we reminisce on a day like none other
the day our dear Evangeline was blessed to become, mother
a membership of one of the most inspired groups on the planet
navigating the roughest waters of life until they can barely stand it

All the preparation and all the advice
no matter how stern no matter how nice
was narry enough to have her too sure
that she would be ready for what she’d endure

From now until the last day of her life
no title will be higher held, not even “Wife”
she now has crossed over to another dimension
each and every choice now steeped in intention

The word love itself takes on multiple meanings
and where she once followed she finds herself leading
a charge has been giving her to continue the line
of history, heritage and traditions divine

From within her, a legacy has sprung forth into being
and with guidance and wisdom she will give it new meaning
just on the cusp of Cancer and Leo she added one more to her clan
and now she will be in charge of one woman, and of one man

Her distance from family made it hard to survive
but failure was never an option
she held her head high, worked long hours, prayed hard
and put ignorance up for adoption

Education was key, and her children her first thought
but No One got more time than God
she shared and installed this mindset in her little ones
as she surely Did Not spare the rod

Through the myriad of torturous events that life has to spare
just to get to what life has to offer
The Holy Spirit Has Lifted her head, held her hand and kept her steady
lest this precious one falter

Never have I witnessed in my near 50 years
so many miracles coming from faith, prayer and tears
not only for her own two, but for so many in reach
she fed, clothed, housed, loved, and in all this, she’d teach

What a blessing, a gift, and an angel to some
the number of those helped still rising
all that she’s done and how much she does
I’ll probably never know,  I’m surmising

Over the years I have heard whisper and caught glimpse
of little kindnesses she had kept hidden
to do so much goodness, out in the light of day
in her faith, is strictly forbidden

But the praise of this young lady turned radiant queen
rings out so loud it precedes her
“The Bell Of Is” she is called, or simply Izzy
or Friend, because she’s there whenever you need her

Because of her, we know our father
although she’s never knew her own
she ensured that a future of struggle for us
was not to be written in stone

Oh what a burden I heavily concede
that I watch in her wake, as I follow her lead
but her pace is too quick, or mine is too slow
whatever the case is, I need her to know

That I tremble inside at the very idea
that one day she will go home and leave her shoes here
for me to slip into it as I take my position
in the Daughter-to-Mother-to-Grandma transition

The roll she has led, will one day be my own
when the Lord calls on me, I’m to answer the phone
in light of this knowledge, my prayers are on heavy
because to be honest with everyone here…. I’m not ready

The shoes are too big, and they cover a lot
they require a certain finesse, I ain’t got
through her tutelage I have learned and gained a great deal
and through her connections I should never miss a meal

Her reliability like the strength of steel, you can count on it
but you can’t count the times when she always came through in a split regardless how twisted the vines… your circumstances will rarely be
beyond the reach of her love, prayers or ability

She may not have been prepared
but she did the best she could
knocked her ‘Mom’ role out the park
like God knew she would

It’s been 50 years now that she’s been at it
and her role has evolved to include extra players
kids turn to grands to great grands and such
her lineage growing and expanding with layers

And still in the distance, the forefront, and background
her influence impresses me and so many
never ending love, forgiveness and compassion
as an example to others who can see

My dear Evangeline the mold may have been broken
when your Spirit was given its spark
but your shoes remain here as proof of the size
of your beautifully, marvelous heart.

I have always stood in awe of you and your ability to endure
only because I know deep inside
that I’m definitely not sure
to ready my feet when I get the news
to slip out of my own and fill Your Shoes

Everyday is not Mother’s Day although it really should be
but today and everyday from now at least it will be for me.

Happy Mother’s Day

Merry Christmas

SK

(In honor of my mother)

This Little Thing Called Life

So recently I moved my mother from what will probably be the last house that she will ever purchase again, into a 2-bedroom senior apartment. The down-size was fast and furious and the release for her was glorious. I have wanted her to do this for years upon years. But she has always been an active member of any community that she has been a part of. So a quick get up and go would not be easy. And as a blessing for her only daughter (me), she stayed in a home far beyond her means to allow her only grand-daughter the privilege of going to the high school of her choosing thru til graduation. Her decision allowed me to work on the building of a mobile business that has provided a corporate free life for over 6 years. The difficulties with all of our choices never swayed her from the sacrifices that she continued to make week, after month, after year. There are no words or deeds that can repay what she has done for me and my children. And in my efforts to be a better daughter, I stopped my life for several days on several occasions to help her get done what was necessary…just as she has numerous times for my brother and I over our lifetime.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where the rolls of parent and child take on a reversal. The feeling of its beginnings crept up on my shoulders this past week as she has begun to settle in. Not just on the surface, but deep down inside, I have a stirring to be prepared to meet her needs and stop my life periodically. I’ve been observing how the changes of life have taken its toll over the last 30 years…on her…and on me. It reminds me of a song I’ve loved by Bonnie Raitt called The Nick of Time. There is a portion of the lyrics that go like so:

I see my folks, they’re getting old, I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me, And it makes us both feel strange

No matter how you tell yourself, It’s what we all go through
Those eyes are pretty hard to take when they’re staring’ back at you
Scared you’ll run out of time

When did the choices get so hard?
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious when there’s less of it to waste

Hummmm Scared to run out of time

These few lines reflect the reality of the inevitable transformation of man/woman from one phase to the next and what we can expect by simply looking into the same face we have from the day we were born. It’s a pleasant, spectacular, beautiful and mortifying experience at each perspective phase, and at times, all together at once. So here I am, not at the end, or even near the end, but much closer than I was the last time I considered it. Yet even though I am at a very freeing and liberating place in my life, and the first thought that comes to mind when I consider my future is how my mother will do in her new environment and life that she has created for herself. As well as the effect of the medical difficulties that have taken hold of that which she has considered her “normal” life for so long. Praying in silence that the newness will have healing effects and restore her to someone closer to the woman I am use to calling “Mom”.

However, the reality of my current situation is that of many at my age, this clarity is one that creates a kaleidoscope of views on, not only the present issues at hand, but on how my mother must have viewed things at this age with the multitude of decisions that she had to make within the larger perspective of her own personal struggle and the complexities of that which she knew her own life to contain. My heart goes out to her former self in ways that I cannot explain without thorough apologies following. The depth that comes with all of this is a pool of cold stunning water that would leave one unprepared with a quick case of mental hypothermia. It’s fascinating to me how the simple thing of helping my mom move into a new home that, in itself represents a new phase of life for her, has me thinking about things. Not so much mortality, in as much as I have never believed that we would live forever. But instead, the steady, never ending flow of life itself. The fact that no matter how you plan for other things, that This Little Thing Called Life will continually run its course regardless of plans made or eagerness anticipated.

I grow more and more appreciative for the time that I still have with mom. I am also more focused on the things that I have had a strong desire to do for years but never accomplished. About what things I can do to bring pride to her while she is still here with me. I remember a time when she said to me, “Don’t bring me flowers when I die.   How can I appreciate them then?” A fair question to be sure. So I aim to bring joy to her heart now while I have the opportunity to see it on her face myself, instead of wondering how bright her smile might be behind the clouds.

~SK~

Priority: Family

HAPPY Day After TURKEY DAY WORLD
I am thankful for a great many things, but today I am most thankful for my actual family. This year’s events have taught me the importance of Family on a much deeper level than before. Call it menopause… call it getting older… call it an awakening from hardships…
 
ME… I call it wisdom.
 
LOYALTY makes you Family. So if you call them “Family” it doesn’t matter how they came into your life. Nor does it matter if they are individuals whom you happen to call Family. They themselves, their needs, their love, their pride in you, their trust in you, their belief in you….Neglecting any of this is not an option. It’s not that they always come before everyone or anything else. But more like, they always need to be a priority in your life. It needs to be considered in the midst of you living your life. During the good & easy going times as well as the bad & hard to handle times. We are ALL going thru something at some time. No one person’s plight more important than the next. But Family….how all of you decisions will effect them is really important. From the biggest decisions that make the smallest impact, to the smallest ones that make the biggest impact.
 
We ARE our Family….no matter how much we may have issues with them at times or all the time. They played &/or play a big part of what created who we see in the mirror each day and they help to shape the person we will see in years to come. Hardships & Celebrations, Gratitude & Neglect, Peaceful Love & Rough Hostility …. At the end of each and every day, whatever ….Family is what keeps us fed, clothed, looked out for, loved, feeling cared for and not alone in the world, family gives us hope….Family keeps us alive….until the very end.
 
I have disappointed, let down, and mistreated family this year. Whether intentionally or unintentionally. I can see in their eyes, their words, their actions, their deeds, their hearts… They have lost faith, pride, trust and in some…hope. You all know who you are without mentioning any names, and there are many of you. I offer my sincerest apologies for raising concern, breaking hearts and any other feelings of negativity that I have fostered within you. But every day is a new day to try to improve on what once was. So to those I call Family… I promise to do my best to be a Better me every day until I become the Best me I can be. I promise to consider you more, to regain your faith, to replenish your pride, to re-earn your trust, to restore your hope.  I wish to be a better, Child of God, Daughter, Sister, Mother, Auntie, Godmother, In-Law, and any other position I hold in the lives of those I call …. Family.
 
Try to Forgive….But never forget…so that you may remind me to stay on the proper path. I use to be a truly genuine person of my word in each and every sense of the term. My mother reminded me sadly, that I am not that woman any longer. For the life of me … I had no argument. I love her for her honesty. And I love you all for your patience with me and way of doing me.
 
Peace & Light
SK