(Old Journal Entry)
I think what it is, is that I don’t know how to trust. Any attempts at it are periodically ripped thru with reminders of why it was a bad idea to begin with. Just days ago I was thoroughly excited about moving into a new home with folks I felt safe to close my eyes around and leave the house with my bedroom door unlocked. And confident in my hear that things between My Love & I were on a whole new level, so issues would be minimal, minor, and rare if at all. But shortly before viewing the property an issue between us became clear as he lead me to understand that his physical flirtation and the encouraging of it from the others in the house (all 2 or 3 of whom are female) is all a part of his money making tool. “Keeping things fun and friendly” is the term he uses. But when I ask if this kind of behavior would be cool in his eyes if I did it with the men I make money with, he replies with, “If that’s what you want then go do that”.
I am afraid that this encouragement of this overly playful behavior will have me in situations that are not only uncomfortable for me, but cause me to be in a hostile, defensive, agitated and severely introverted mood more often than not. Treating everyone around me like they need to be careful around me. Abrasive, angry, and barely compliant. Much like our last home together. Women who want anything from him at all; time, attention, sex, affection, money..all tryin’ me and testin’ my nerves and just cuz I’m close to him and they see me in the way. He invites it and sits back and watches it go down. I don’t want to be a part of any of that again. While he enjoys the girls vying and clamoring for him.
He has been claiming to want his freedom from ALL constraints in life. When I ask for clarification he never provides it. Simply replies, “free from everything, any thing holding me down, tying me up, keeping me from doing whatever the fuck I wanna do in life or go wherever the fuck I wanna go”. Soooo, that being said, I make it clear to him that I am not trying to be the reason he ain’t free. So I walk when I don’t like what I see. He thinks I am worried about him fucking other people when that’s really HIS worry. I don’t want to be around as he enjoys the Hugh Heffner life. He’s entitled to do whatever with whomever. He just cannot expect me to be there to witness that shit and not fee any kind of way or even say anything about it negatively.
You would think that all the conversations we have had about how I have been hurt by men and the details on where all the emotional and psychological damage has come from, you’d think he’d be more careful or think his movements out better. But his primary focus is money and I am learning that communications is the key that he lacks when it comes to preventative maintenance with regards to me. Unless it is some kind of finesse game to keep me from upsetting the flow of whatever it is he is doing. I don’ want to live like I did with my ex-husband and his family, how I lived in our house on Favor Road, or in the house on Kurt Dr. I want to live in PEACE.
I want him to enjoy his life and his work just as he’d like to. I just don’t want to have to experience all of it with him. I can wait for his transformation, but I don’t want to be hurt by the parts of his single man persona that I can’t seem to handle emotionally. He doesn’t understand this. All he seems to care about is having me close. But I can’t do this. He wants to play like a swinger (sans extra/excessive sex with others) but then has an issue with even the mere conversation of me behaving the same. He needs help seeing reality. What’s good for him has to be okay for me. We are not committed so it should not bother him. There are so many things wrong, jus shouting out at me, to pay attention to the living situation I’m walking into and love and the desire to be near him causing me to be deaf to these voices just reminds me of how I’ve chosen to walk blindly into situations like this that have left me crying and broken inside…feeling shame and foolish for being stupid enough to open up and trust again. It seems in my history with him I have experienced a “sharp” emotional reminder that he is not exclusively mine to enjoy alone. And it usually comes right after I’ve settled into a place of comfort with our life that is better than times before, and I am in the midst of having daydreams of how forever could truly be possible.
I really am trying not to repeat this kind of thing. My life with him is not my only experience with this. The feelings are the same and the end result is the same. I fell stupid for falling so hard, loving so strong, trusting that things would be different this time around and closing my eyes to the possibility that my hopes could be misplaced yet again. Who wants that? I’d much rather protect my heart. An entire day has been spent focused on the solution to this problem. God whispered to me:
When a human bone is broken in one spot…Proper care, nurturing, physical therapy and an encouragement toward future use for the health of the limb is required in order for the bone to heal properly and be fully functioning. With the right care even a bone with multiple fractures can heal up to be stronger than it originally was. Enabling the use of the limb to perform beyond a capacity that it has ever before.
All feelings on the matter aside, the human heart is another part of the body that should be looked at no differently. On break, multiple fractures, it’s all the same.
He has a son who broke his leg. Explain this to him. He will understand.
And so I did.