Two Wolves – A Medicine Story

The medicine story is an American Indian way to illustrate a concept like fables and proverbs used by other cultures. The successful medicine story is one that makes you ask questions, leads you through those questions so many different layers, illuminating the problem at hand, and teaching lessons.

An elder Crow American Indian was teaching his grandchildren about life.  He said to them,

“A fight is going on inside me … It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents anger, guilt, greed, depression, self-pity, superiority, and fear.

The other wolf represents hope, kindness, empathy, humility, truth, compassion, and serenity.

The same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old Indian simply replied,

“The one I feed.”

Random Questions….To You, To Myself, To All Of Us

  • Where is this great distance of earth is the humanity that we so often speak of?
  • When is it that we as Humans actually give without truly in our hearts expect without asking?
  • How is it that we call ourselves peaceful when we teach our children to learn to kill for us?
  • Is it really wise to act like our neighbors are family when we act like our family, are strangers?
  • Where in this world of understanding people is the fact of a non-discriminatory man or woman?
  • When will we come to look into the mirror and realize that we aren’t who we say we are?
  • I think now is the time for us to come to our senses and face the truth…..What is that truth for you?

Binding It Up & Walking On Ahead

“All the time you spend tryin to get back what’s been took from you, more’s goin out the door. After a while ya hafta just try to get a tourniquet on it.”

~ No Country For Old Men ~

This is the only line in the entire movie that stood out for me. Great movie, by the way…suggested to me by a good friend. But this statement in particular touched on the issue of hurt & pain. It was made in the movie by man who had been severely wronged by another and the offender had died while serving their time in prison. Someone asked them what they would have done if the person had been released. The man answered, “Nothing”…and to the questioner’s surprise, he followed with the statement above.

I related and understood the need to simply bind the emotional wound and just move on. However, I still have yet to learn how to master this simply technique. I often wonder whether I am one of few, or if there are actually many others who have done this or need to do this with situations in their life. Do you see a point to it, or is it more satisfactory to steep in your anger, plotting, planning and anticipating vindication?

I wrote this blog years ago and still work on the need to let things go when its hard. But I have learned over the years, that it is simply best to follow the lessons of this simple statement. In that it does not bring the satisfying results that the “get back” usually does, but real talk, it truly allows you to move forward if you honestly let it go. However painful the process of doing so may be…  again… I still work on this.


Promises, Promises….

I have no idea why it is that the promises from God are the ones that I have the hardest time accepting and relaxing with. Deep down I wanna blame it on the fact that the end results are so huge that its almost unbelievable that it could be pulled off without issue.  But yet again, I have never been disappointed. So, that being said, I will interject that a series of private posts about my request of God and the promises that it would come to fruition without worry or concern was granted as I followed instruction and offered the only thing that was requested of me.  Beautiful moment, everyone happy, blah blah blah… NOW

There is the issue of money that has been agitating me for a long time and God has told me for years that I simply need to write and that the money would come through because it is the writing that He wishes to get out of me, not activity.  The changes in my life and the financial freedom that I long to have again as well as the desire to be able to maintain ME and my needs without leaning on anyone else…it is all on hold waiting for me to get to writing.  So just as the request for my time with my daughter. I am putting it out there and getting ready for my blessings…


Living Eyes Closed & Mind Open


I have the second half of the serenity prayer literally splayed across my left arm from back to front. It’s a tattoo that takes up about 1/4 of my upper sleeve. It is supposed to be a reminder to me of how I need to let go of my control issues and learn to accept things in things without getting upset when they change away from my favor. Then there are the occasions where I get my nerves all twisted up because regardless of how well the details of the circumstances all fall into place for MY plan, they simply DO NOT go that way. I get tunnel vision with my hopes and desires and then give hell to everyone and everything that proves to support any other cause…no matter how selfless or legitimate. The problem is that its on my arm and I rarely look down to read it. The inspirational words are these:

“Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.”

I have spent the entirety of 2011 evaluating myself, reviewing, monitoring, focusing on, trying to understand, get a grasp on, etc. Basically figuring myself out. It has been an arduous task. It’s much more difficult to look at yourself from the inside than to look at yourself from the outside. The pain and psychological damage that comes from the realization of self-imagery is far deeper scaring than from the image that others see or from their reaction to the reality that stands before them, and not the façade that we put up. I have hurt my own feelings with some of the realizations I have come across.

I have been training myself to accept that I must not only SEE things for what they are, but treat them accordingly. Not give more attention or support towards the illusion or hope of something to come, but simply like it or dislike it and treat it just like that. People and situations alike. I think I will be kinder and happier.




It Takes More Than Time To Heal

(Old Journal Entry)

I think what it is, is that I don’t know how to trust. Any attempts at it are periodically ripped thru with reminders of why it was a bad idea to begin with. Just days ago I was thoroughly excited about moving into a new home with folks I felt safe to close my eyes around and leave the house with my bedroom door unlocked. And confident in my hear that things between My Love & I were on a whole new level, so issues would be minimal, minor, and rare if at all. But shortly before viewing the property an issue between us became clear as he lead me to understand that his physical flirtation and the encouraging of it from the others in the house (all 2 or 3 of whom are female) is all a part of his money making tool. “Keeping things fun and friendly” is the term he uses. But when I ask if this kind of behavior would be cool in his eyes if I did it with the men I make money with, he replies with, “If that’s what you want then go do that”.

I am afraid that this encouragement of this overly playful behavior will have me in situations that are not only uncomfortable for me, but cause me to be in a hostile, defensive, agitated and severely introverted mood more often than not. Treating everyone around me like they need to be careful around me. Abrasive, angry, and barely compliant. Much like our last home together. Women who want anything from him at all; time, attention, sex, affection, money..all tryin’ me and testin’ my nerves and just cuz I’m close to him and they see me in the way. He invites it and sits back and watches it go down. I don’t want to be a part of any of that again. While he enjoys the girls vying and clamoring for him.

He has been claiming to want his freedom from ALL constraints in life. When I ask for clarification he never provides it. Simply replies, “free from everything, any thing holding me down, tying me up, keeping me from doing whatever the fuck I wanna do in life or go wherever the fuck I wanna go”. Soooo, that being said, I make it clear to him that I am not trying to be the reason he ain’t free. So I walk when I don’t like what I see. He thinks I am worried about him fucking other people when that’s really HIS worry. I don’t want to be around as he enjoys the Hugh Heffner life. He’s entitled to do whatever with whomever. He just cannot expect me to be there to witness that shit and not fee any kind of way or even say anything about it negatively.

You would think that all the conversations we have had about how I have been hurt by men and the details on where all the emotional and psychological damage has come from, you’d think he’d be more careful or think his movements out better. But his primary focus is money and I am learning that communications is the key that he lacks when it comes to preventative maintenance with regards to me. Unless it is some kind of finesse game to keep me from upsetting the flow of whatever it is he is doing. I don’ want to live like I did with my ex-husband and his family, how I lived in our house on Favor Road, or in the house on Kurt Dr.  I want to live in PEACE.

I want him to enjoy his life and his work just as he’d like to. I just don’t want to have to experience all of it with him. I can wait for his transformation, but I don’t want to be hurt by the parts of his single man persona that I can’t seem to handle emotionally. He doesn’t understand this. All he seems to care about is having me close. But I can’t do this. He wants to play like a swinger (sans extra/excessive sex with others) but then has an issue with even the mere conversation of me behaving the same. He needs help seeing reality. What’s good for him has to be okay for me. We are not committed so it should not bother him. There are so many things wrong, jus shouting out at me, to pay attention to the living situation I’m walking into and love and the desire to be near him causing me to be deaf to these voices just reminds me of how I’ve chosen to walk blindly into situations like this that have left me crying and broken inside…feeling shame and foolish for being stupid enough to open up and trust again. It seems in my history with him I have experienced a “sharp” emotional reminder that he is not exclusively mine to enjoy alone. And it usually comes right after I’ve settled into a place of comfort with our life that is better than times before, and I am in the midst of having daydreams of how forever could truly be possible.

I really am trying not to repeat this kind of thing. My life with him is not my only experience with this. The feelings are the same and the end result is the same. I fell stupid for falling so hard, loving so strong, trusting that things would be different this time around and closing my eyes to the possibility that my hopes could be misplaced yet again. Who wants that? I’d much rather protect my heart. An entire day has been spent focused on the solution to this problem. God whispered to me:

When a human bone is broken in one spot…Proper care, nurturing, physical therapy and an encouragement toward future use for the health of the limb is required in order for the bone to heal properly and be fully functioning. With the right care even a bone with multiple fractures can heal up to be stronger than it originally was. Enabling the use of the limb to perform beyond a capacity that it has ever before.

All feelings on the matter aside, the human heart is another part of the body that should be looked at no differently. On break, multiple fractures, it’s all the same.

He has a son who broke his leg. Explain this to him. He will understand.

And so I did.

Your Fear, My Fear, Who Fears Most

I have come to the recent discovery that the love of my life has a greater fear of failure in this relationship than I do. The reality of his fear being so great that, at nearly every juncture that I can recall, with regard to intense emotional conversations, he has already conceded, defeat and accepted the possibility of the end of things by the end of the discussion. I am left stunned like a deer in the headlights. The depth of his fear is a pool of uncertainty that I am afraid that while steeped in my own hot cup of worry, even I
can’t touch the surface of where he is at with it. I think of Anthony Hamilton’s song where he speaks of how a man only falls twice in his life. There is a reason for this. Could it be that men have larger trust issues than we women?
All this being said, how sad I feel for him. I am bearing witness to the hidden damage that a broken relationship can have on a man. We see it all the time with women, but I have never
seen a man behave this way. I was not raised to be a woman to run from turmoil in a relationship. It was instilled in me to endure what is put before you. To work with what God has given you. So it makes me furrow my brow when he speaks to me using statements that have me feeling that he has thrown in the towel and just wants to part ways with no negative feelings between us. I really don’t understand where it is coming from cuz I have shown him nothing but loyalty and dedication and stick-to-it-ive-ness so why would he think I’d go through all I have to say Yes and then walk away?
15 years with the same woman who made him proud and happy ended with a truckload of unanswered questions and the vibe and evidence of infidelity. When she left him and their children to live “some other life”, she tore down a fortress of trust and emotional stability in this man and left him with shattered idea of what the reality of love is suppose to look like coming from a woman true to her core.
How do I show him that a Real Woman is not what left him? That a Real Woman is what he’s been fuckin with for the last 5 years and that a Real Woman is whom he chose to be in this relationship with. I saw the hardships ahead of me as I began to pray for him to choose me and accepted God’s promise to make him mine. I knew this would be difficult but rewarding. I was not prepared, but God has been preparing me all along and continues to do so. He sees my frustration an touches the heart of my love to feel my need and have a yearning to fulfill it. This small effort on both of T/their parts is enough to help me continue to soldier thru and display the hope towards Him that eventually is expressed in Faith and can be seen as Trust by him.
I want him to know that I am learning to Trust him. But I too wish to be trusted. I wish for him to Trust that I will not leave him on some bullshit. That I will not walk away from what we are doing so long as he is trying to work with me. That so long as he is in it with me…that I am in it with him. I do love him. Sad but ironic….knowledge of his greater level of Fear somehow diminishes mine. Pray for us.