There she is, that little girl with the big mousey puffs in her hair.
Giggling & smiling with an abundance of silliness, We two are just quite the pair.
My twin, my mini-me, my cohort, my heart.
The Thelma to my Louise… My triplet in part.
God blessed her, to look just like me, with an uncanny essence of my Mother.
How funny that the three of us, each in our own right, look so very much like each another.
I plotted and planned from the day you came to me,
the path that I’d walk to get through this.
But the instant you came see, the plans rearranged, without warning and little assist.
Your health and your breath we held in our hands,
As your growth, all your family supported.
While I and your gramdma and your brothers helped pray, as through life’s great maze, I then sorted.
The last in my nest I worked hard to make sure that you’d get as much as those prior.
However the twist and the turns in the road, eventually things got less dire.
But just like the bad times — good times too, do not last…And I want to be perfectly clear,
That as I worked hard to repair all the damage that was done, I did more, that wouldn’t show up for years.
Eventually our realities took separate routes, to a barage of your great dismay.
In the care of kinfolk, I placed you to learn more, cus I knew she could show you the way.
As I went off to figure out how to bring back all the normalcy lost in our live, I could feel your heart begging “Please Stay”.
But my past with our Queen was so tainted and scared, If I did, we would both rue the day.
So I plodded ahead with an alternate plan, that was tossed every obsticle Murphy’s Law can.
And with hope and determination and a smidgen of thought — That all my small efforts would one day, mean a lot.
I watched as you moved and evolved and expanded and flexed as the world grew around you.
Blossoming into a girl I’d not known, for the good and the bad and the indefferent too.
The realness got deeper and harder and darker and twisted more pain, than we both seemed could bare.
But through much of the heartache, the Lord’s Prayer persisted and eventually, there were signs of fresh air.
I thought as the moments grew closer to the hour when my Little Miss became a Young Ms.
That we both would be ready, in our very own way, to press forward and handle our biz.
Your resolve through the years of your youth had me certain that you had a solid foundation.
Yet the hurt that I felt as you stumbled from the nest, filled with angst and anticipation,
Let me know that what I’d envisioned in my mind, was truly not “our situation”.
I forgot to remember… How it was to be young.
Heart in my throat, nerves about shattered… Even though I was strong.
Full of hope, full of promise,.. Aimed to prove them all wrong.
I forgot to remember… How I fought in my youth.
To defend my own opinion… Stand tall for my truth.
A fast adult start with not many roots… Leaving my discovery of life’s mysteries to sleuth.
So I’m sorry that it felt as though I left you behind.
To go off life my life and then pay you no mind.
I swear this was no where near what it has seemed.
But the life we wound up with was not what I had dreamed.
Yet the strenght and endurance to brace all of life’s trials.
Had come into me from a liniange unbending for miles.
It had infused my persona with an unbelievable will.
And through the natural flow of our blood it would spill,
Freely and rushing with zest through your veins
And with this strength within, you’d take life by the reigns.
Shakey at first, but with the boldest intention.
Knocking down barriers, busting down walls, shining like a rockstar,
You’d show them all.
But your fears and anxieties came into play,
As the realities of grown up life got in the way.
The truths about bills, expenses, hardships & such,
Became overwhelming. Became way too much.
I had missed some steps vital to your first footing in life.
To ensure that you start with a bang.
For to leave out the important point needed for hope.
Would mean all my work was in vain.
I had not shown you the diamond you are in this world,
Cuz forever to me you’d be my little girl.
Wanting to hold you so close and yet let you fly free,
I neglected to take acre of the stuff in between.
I forgot to remember while you’re learning to fly… it takes time to build the wind under your wings.
To make yourself ready to face all of these things.
It took time to process all the stuff I’d learned. To thoughtfully consider the position in life I’d earned.
To use rules, faith and wisdom so I wouldn’t get burned… And
I forgot to remember to set aside time… to remind you of your roots that we’d left behind.
The one’s who had laid the foundation in the minds…
Of your mom, her mother & her mother before her… Cultivating a strength of character not easitly defined.
Preparing you with vigilance and durability and the lot…of whih the most important ones should never be forgot…
To let you know that I am Here… Not off living life on my own.
To make you feel that I am Here… Though you are every bit grown.
To let my love and concern reflect the heart of my ancestors and never allowing you to feel alone.
I will not shy away from acknowledging praise for the great men and woman I’ve raised.
But so long as I’ve lived, my pride has not denied the parts in wrongdoing I’ve played.
So from the depth or the core, or whatever is furthest…
Of my heart or my soul, whichever one seems most earnest…
My apologies for not living up to the standards set before me
Forgiveness and a second chance, Are what I do emplore thee.
Had I listened to my elders and heeded their yearnings,
To better my life in ways that would not bring strife,
The wrongs that I’ve done you as a parent just might,
Have taken a turn, so that you too may learn, to see life in a much better light.
I’m sorry for not guaranteeing, deep in your heart.
That what we had built together was not torn apart.
That despite life’s requirements for unwanted partings,
That it’s never the end, just all brand new startings.
I’m sorry for not making you more comfortable with changes.
For not paying more attention to your emotions and ranges.
For trying so hard to focus on the securities of our future, while struggling with my past…
That I lost sight of the trials of your present, while busily wishing my own wouldn’t last
For leaving you to navigate the waters of life with the image of a ‘stronger you’, you’d yet to become.
For not bothering to slow down my crazy, hustling, gringing pace, to explain that you were the one.
The reason I scurried about for so long.
Trying hard to do right but always getting it wrong.
Having given up one dream with the crazy idea, that its fulfillment would take away from our precious game.
And relaced it with one that did just the same.
Trying to fill in the gaps of our long lost Thelma & Louise…
While trying to maintain independence and freedom was not done with ease.
The number of years I dispised my mother’s words, when all she could offer was “I did the best that I could do”
When the roads were most rocky, that was just not enough for me, and I believe that she also knew.
But the day came when my apologies were directed at her.
Not for my youthful, childish behavior, but for not getting it sooner.
And for finally seeing that while, although “not enough”, That was truly all there was.
Through teary eyes I expressed my overstanding of a thing,
That only time and experience could share in its truth.
And I look forward to our emotionally tear filled day
And all of it’s unfolding fruit.
But until then, please believe me and accept these words I say to you.
That considering Everything and Under The Circumsstances, “I did the best that I could do”.
Moving forward I see an opportunity to grow from where both our hearts wanderred off.
To solidify the spot in our little world, that the pressures of life have made soft.
To create for us, a brand new start…
That we walk together instead of apart.
I offer to you a sincere invitation to join me in a reunion and a rising above loss.
An open door to a fresh start, through which the memories of the past can then waft.
A place in which learning and growing will be done with the knowledge,
That not just for now, not just for later, and not just right after college…
My promise to be there, my commitment to family values, my decision to ensure you always feel my love…
Will forever remain a strong beacon of light, shining with the heat of at least one thousand suns…
Burning into my memory to never forget what happened when ….
I forgot to remember.